By nature, Valentine’s Day is characterized by fat, winged babies sporting projectile weapons and the most anatomical misrepresentation of a heart someone could conceive. And on top of that, it’s celebrating a martyr’s execution.
While the holiday has its gaudy factors, there’s no reason to celebrate accordingly.
So instead of conforming, redeem Friday and bring it to new levels of coolness.
Instead of a dozen roses, go for their chocolate counterparts.
Nothing lasts forever — and I know what you’re thinking — “our eternal love will.” Death includes plants. Instead of overdone floral arrangements, go for something more edible by getting a dozen chocolates wrapped as roses. And though they will soon be a pile of red foil wrappers and plastic stems, at least you didn’t have to watch your symbol of love slowly wilt and die on the days following Friday.
Instead of a mass text, go for grade school valentines.
You wake up, and your first instinct is to text all of your friends and family with “Happy V-Day! <3” This is totally meaningless and devoid of sincerity. Remember those days in elementary school when everyone got a box of tear-out cardboard Valentine cards? Their themes ranged from “Hello Kitty” to holographic wrestling cards with sentiments like, “I’d be in a cage match with you, Valentine!” That’s the way to go. People will love the sentimental value of these throwbacks.
Rather than a romantic Facebook post, go for a video.
You want your significant other’s friends to enviously read about your deep, abiding love and for their parents to have another reason to adore you. It’s understandable. But rather than post a mushy greeting on your boo’s Facebook, try something more out of the ordinary. Make a music video using a song they love and substitute their name into it. It doesn’t even have to make sense. “What does the [insert your name here] say? Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding! Ha-ha-ha-ha-happy Valentine’s Day!”
Instead of a plushie animal, go for action figures.
Aisles upon aisles of talking, plushie creatures with giant, glossy eyes that seem to follow your every move are creepy. That fuzzy stuffed bear doesn’t say, “I love you,” despite what its weird high-pitched voice croons when you pinch its ear. It says, “I just stopped at Walgreens. Here.” Action figures are way cooler and will elate anyone’s inner nerd, from comic book geeks to Game of Thrones fans. Toy company Funko makes POP! vinyl figures of superheroes, cartoons, TV series icons, book characters and celebrities. They are available at stores like Hot Topic, Books-a-Million and F.Y.E.
Instead of a CD, go for an album.
The mixed CD, which has its attributes, has been done so many times before. And do you really want to give something they’ve probably received from their old flames in the past? Try getting a vinyl album from their favorite artist or band. If they don’t have a record player it’s no big, just make sure the album comes with a complementary iTunes or MP3 download. They will feel their coolness rating shoot up as they display their vinyl in the living room.