Let me channel 1998 and Bobby Boucher's mom for a hot second when I say that reality shows are the devil.
OK, maybe not the devil, but they're all pretty meaningless. If Math 125 taught me anything beside how to sleep with my eyes open, it's statistics. And I'm going out on a limb and saying roughly 95 percent of reality shows are useless.
There are some, however, that have a point and are quite entertaining at the same time. However, should we decide the status of Scott Baio's love life or which well-endowed, brain-dead woman should have the wonderful opportunity to call herself Flava Flav's girl?
That said, reality shows can be, five percent of the time, useful.
Incredibly useful.
That's why, when the news of Ronny Thompson's firing rang through my ears, an idea of how to select a new basketball coach while restoring some entertainment to a fledgling athletic department was hatched.
If Tom Collins really wanted people back on his side again, he should have been the first athletic director to select a Division I coach with a reality show.
Now, this is nothing against Billy Taylor, as he seems like a pretty swell guy and all. I mean, he smiled on his first day here, so that's a good sign. However, a reality show with C-Z list celebrities vying for a contract as Ball State men's head basketball coach would breathe fresh life into a dull athletic program.
Besides, the chosen celebrity couldn't do any worse than Thompson, who at times looked like he channeled Isiah Thomas' amazing, mysterious stare so he wouldn't look like he had no clue what he was doing.
A decent reality show has close to 10 participants who live in the same house while competing in events to determine their worth toward the prize.
Firstly, the house would have to be Jo Ann Gora's mini-mansion. She can find a new place to shack up. And that could even be a reality show on its own as well.
Secondly, the competitions would range from coaching little league basketball teams in tournaments against other cast members to seeing how many NCAA infractions they could get away with.
Last but not least, and certainly the most important, are the participants,
The first would definitely have to be Bob Barker, with three of his lovely former "Price is Right" ladies, of course. Barker has nothing else to do for a living now besides making sure pets don't procreate, and if he coached our team, teammates could square off against each other in a game of Plinko to decide starting lineups.
To balance out one past-his-prime womanizer, let's throw in Hugh Hefner and three of his lovely Playboy bunnies. Imagine the fights that Barker's and Hef's ladies would get into. That's quality entertainment right there.
Next on our list - if we can lure him out of Houston -¡- is former Ball State basketball standout Bonzi Wells. Going on the assumption that he'll be kicked out of the league soon or have his contract bought out to stop his cancerous effect on the Rockets and the NBA, we'll add him to the list. If Ron Artest had a mini-me, it would be Wells, so there is plenty of room for crazy, offbeat shenanigans.
To round out the list, the show will add Carrot Top (he's easy too make fun of), Louie Anderson (he looks like a fatter Rick Majerus, if that's possible), Pauly Shore (is he even alive?), Hulk Hogan (what cha gunna do when Hulkamania draws up a zone defense on you?), Dustin Diamond, Courtney Love and Richard Karn, better known as Tim Taylor's sidekick on "Home Improvement."
If the celebrity coach doesn't work out after year, they could always plant notes under their office door to have an excuse to resign. Hey, it's worked before.
Write to Ryan at rjsmith@bsu.edu
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