Sacramento is the capital city of California - fact.
Right now in Sacramento, a steady stream of skeptics and feeble-minded congregation members are flocking to the courtyard of a local church to observe a white marble statue of the Virgin Mary that has been reported to cry streams of blood from its left eye - fact.
That this occurrence is a bona fide, genuine, hand-of-God "miracle" - highly debatable.
Is it just me, or are people starting to throw around the term "miracle" a bit too loosely? Especially since this particular case-of-the-crying-statue - which, to me, sounds more like an Encyclopedia Brown adventure than the meticulous masterwork of the creator of the universe - merely caps the past year's rather absurd string of nationally-hyped excuses for miracles.
It was around this time last year, after all, a grilled cheese sandwich bearing the butter-fried image of the Virgin Mary sold on eBay for $28,000.
Not to be outdone, in March, God chose to stamp his divinity upon the salted-treat empire by causing a nativity-based Madonna and Child to appear within the twists of a Rold Gold Honey Mustard Pretzel.
Did I forget to mention the Pope in a pancake? Last month, a family in Jackson, Mich., made a pancake and, instead of eating it with syrup, decided to call the local news station to inform everyone that You Know Who had manifested an image of the Pope onto some burnt Bisquick.
Now, among my many personal beliefs about God, one of them is that He wants us to eat our food. He likes it when we eat our food. I don't think it angers Him if we stare at it for a while first - the way a child might look into a group of clouds to see familiar images - but when it's all said and done, we're blessed to have it, and we should eat it while it's hot.
If the image is really that striking: Take a picture, tell all your friends when you get the photos back and see what kind of looks you get. But don't force divinity onto a coincidence by telling your local anchorman that God drew a picture of his mommy on your Spam-burger.
God doesn't need or want that kind of attention because when God performs a miracle, everyone who needs to know about it will.
Which brings us back to Sacramento and the bloody Mary, where, according to an Associated Press article, "Thousands of such incidents are reported around the world each year." Well, that's funny, because I've never heard of any case of God performing the same miracle more than once. I thought that particular chore was relegated to parlor magicians who have long since given up their dreams of doing Vegas in exchange for cranking out balloon animals at birthday parties so they can keep making car payments while feeding their coke habits.
I mean, He spoke the universe into existence. Do you really think making a statue in Sacramento cry is within even the tiniest shred of His artistic ambition? I personally think if He was going to think that small, He would just as soon give Frog Baby a runny nose or make the Naked Lady fart as He would perform a cliche that divides so many of His followers on the true nature of its origin.
I just don't think a true miracle is open to interpretation. A true miracle will bring people together, not split them apart. A true miracle will enlighten, not confuse. And most importantly, if you need to see a miracle to have faith, your heart isn't in the right place anyway.
Now ... who wants pancakes?
Write to Lance at lmvaillancou@bsu.edu
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