by Tanner Kinney
At the tail end of 2019, critically-acclaimed film studio A24 released their last film of year with Uncut Gems, an insane piece of entertainment that follows Adam Sandler as Howard Ratner, a diamond dealer and big-time gambler that gets into some real sorts of messes. It was a shocking move and something that critics and audiences weren’t entirely sure about, but a lot of people came out loving. If you’re curious in reading more about this film, check out our review here.
Uncut Gems ended up becoming a bit of an Oscar contender in a few categories, particularly that for Lead Actor. In a year where many people considered Joaquin Phoenix’s portrayal of the Joker in Joker to be the big front-runner, Adam Sandler was going to potentially be his toughest opponent. And, for the record, Sandler deserves the recognition for his quality work. Sandler was ready to pull out all the stops, and he wasn’t afraid to make threats. While promoting Uncut Gems on the The Howard Stern Show, Sandler said he’d be “there to win.” Additionally, he said if he didn’t win, he’d “come back and do one again that is so bad on purpose just to make you all pay.” Which, from the mind behind legendary dumpster fire Jack and Jill and my absolute favorite piece of cinema in “Dunkaccino,” is the greatest threat to modern cinema.
So, now that the Oscars are over and done with, Sandler’s Uncut Gems didn’t just not get nominated for Best Picture, it didn’t get nominated for anything. The film got, as they say, “snubbed”. Which means we are in the timeline where Sandler is going to craft the worst Adam Sandler film possible. If he’s reading this right now, I’m going to offer some of the greatest terrible Adam Sandler film ideas I can come up with. All I ask is a little bit of credit as a treat, and some royalty checks. It’s a fair exchange for these high quality films, trust me.
I’m Not Your Buddy, Cop!
Image by Malia Hutton
Adam Sandler plays Max Barley, a pudgy, soft-hearted, soft-bellied Hollywood cop—a pillar of the community and always the man you want pulling you over in his new Toyota Prius™. However, when his own precinct comes under scrutiny from a slimy, opportunistic millionaire politician named Alexander Pike (played by Stephen Merchant, no stranger to horrifically bad comedies), Barley needs backup that isn’t so weak. Enter British private investigator Richard Thorne (played by Ricky Gervais): a cynical, tough, and brutal Dirty Harry type who is fed up with the “liberal elite cops” that handle serious crimes with “kid gloves.” With Thorne’s misunderstood genius and Barley’s big heart, they reluctantly join forces to solve crimes and clear the good name of Barley’s precinct. A laugh-out-loud classic and definitely not a mouthpiece for Ricky Gervais to do the same shtick he’s been doing for years despite it being apparently “not what people want to hear.”
A Ballad for America
Image by Damien Adams
In this musical feel-good drama with original songwriting all by Adam Sandler, retired musician Alan “Alaskan Dog” Bradsworth (played by famous musical performer Jeremy Renner) is living off of royalty checks and advertising jingles, specifically for “the most wonderful woman, Wendy’s™”. Despite his relative comfort in beautiful Alaska™, his life remains unfulfilled and his occasional performances don’t draw the audiences they used to. He gets a second chance at fame when older music producer James Jameson (Adam Sandler) needs a vehicle for his label to compete with up-and-coming—but ultimately “absolutely vapid and empty”—Big City Music. The competition in question is rapper “Major L” (played by Jake Paul), a detestable human whose direction during filming is just “be yourself, Jake!”. Bradsworth helps the music industry, the country, and himself learn how to love again in a world of music drowning in drugs, depression, and dangerous behavior, bringing music back to “the good ol’ days.” Taylor Swift will play Renner’s love interest. Why? So we can get those Tay-Tay stan bucks.
The West of West Virginia
Image by Katherine Simon
In this hootin’ and hollerin’ comedy, Adam Sandler plays Kenney Cramlin, a comedian who made it big in New York and has sold out shows frequently. As he’s just getting his career rolling with a new sponsorship with PepsiCo™, he’s called back to his home in West Hamlin, West Virginia to take care of his sick mother (also played by Adam Sandler). His trip home after so long brings back his old crew of comedians who struck gold back home: “Fiddle” (Ron White), “Banjo” (Jeff Foxworthy), and “Big Ol’ Bass” (Larry the Cable Guy). Now, having to compete with his old companions and deal with his “treasonous behavior”, Cramlim has to bust out a little bit of the old “Harmonica” magic to work the hyuckin’, knee-slappin’ West Virginian crowds. Also stars Todd Howard in his first major theatrical role as Cramlin’s nerdy side-kick, Rodd “Rodd Coward” Howard, who gets Cramlin’s friends into a little known game called Fallout 76. And yes, “Take Me Home, Country Roads” plays during the opening. And credits. And multiple times during the movie itself. It’s actually the only song we bought the rights for.
Image by Baylie Clevenger
In our big totally-not-a-marketing-scheme that’s definitely not a knock-off of a dozen other films, Adam Sandler plays Mr. Monopoly™ himself. Old Moneybags Monopoly, with riches beyond compare, can no longer have fun running competitors out of business and making money off of Boardwalk and Park Place. His wife has become distant and his kids are rebelling, and Mr. Monopoly feels he’s lost control. In an attempt to find his place in the world, Mr. Monopoly leaves his world and enters the worlds of other famous board games. Unfortunately, on his trip to the Oujia™ board, he unleashes a great evil upon the connected board game universe. Monopoly teams up with the sweet, newly orphaned girl Princess Lolly of Candy Land™ (played by Lexi Rabe, who played Tony Stark’s daughter in Endgame), the femme fatale temptress Miss Scarlet of Clue™ (played by Alexandra Daddario), and a lost Orc Warrior from Dungeons and Dragons™ (played by Seth Rogan. And yes, D&D is apparently a Hasbro property). Together, they need to save the collective board game worlds and help Mr. Monopoly find the meaning to The Game of Life™.
Note: we were originally going to have Scarlett Johansson in the role of Miss Scarlet. However, after reading the script, she demanded a different role entirely. As such, we will be adding Mamma Ginger Tree into the story as a mentor and motherly figure for Princess Lolly, with said Tree being played by Johansson. She says she can finally achieve her dreams this way, and we approve that.
Three’s a Crowd: A Madea Story
Image by Tt Shinkan
In a spin-off of the world-famous Madea franchise, Tyler Perry teams up with Adam Sandler and Eddie Murphy to play the entire ensemble cast (minus Kevin James) of a road trip movie. In a wacky money-making scheme to end all wacky money-making schemes, Madea ends up on a roadtrip across America, making sure to hit all of the tourist spots for maximum marketing. On her trip, she picks up Jill of Jack and Jill (Adam Sandler), and Norbit Alan Rice of Norbit (Eddie Murphy), along with legendary character Paul Blart of Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Kevin James). The quartet’s zany adventure leads them to be chased by ex-lovers, business tycoons, and Domino’s™ Pizza delivery drivers. The leads’ shenanigans and playing off of themselves will certainly be the laugh-a-minute event of January and not a money laundering scheme/paid vacation for the lead actors.
Image by Kellyn Harrison
In this Blumhouse-produced horror film, Adam Sandler plays Guy Smalls, a security guard at a small-town pizza place called Monty’s Madhouse. For years, this was the arcade spot for kids to come in and enjoy some mascot-costumed fun in a safe, inviting place. Citing financial struggles, the Madhouse is bought out by a major restaurant chain: Fazbear Entertainment. Replacing the traditional mascots with animatronics as a cost-saving measure, Smalls has his doubts when he believes to see the animatronics moving on their own, harassing kids and parents alike. Stuck with the night shift, Smalls finds his fears aren’t just paranoia when the animatronics go to hunt him at night, along with late night gamer and hacker Summer Biggs (played by Zooey Daschenel). Biggs is a survivor from a previous Fazbear Entertainment scandal in 1987, and will stop at nothing to prevent another tragedy from happening. However, Smalls and Biggs only have five nights to solve the mystery before the killings begin. Yes, this is a pitch for a Five Nights at Freddy’s movie, and no, I’m not sorry.
Happy Madison’s Inferno
Image by Sam Smith
In a story inspired by Dante’s Inferno—like many other stories—Adam Sandler plays Adam Sandler in his own life. After a tragic accident, the older, wiser Adam Sandler wakes up in the roles of his various movies. Starting with the classics like Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, as he descends through the circles of Hell the films get worse. We go into The Cobbler, Eight Crazy Nights, Click, and even Jack and Jill as Sandler starts to go mad, reliving some of the worst pieces of art he’s created (including the Dunkaccino scene in full). Finally, in the ninth circle of Hell, he encounters his worst movie: a movie he had never created before. The cameras pan out to reveal a crew creating the movie he’s currently in: the final circle of hell IS Happy Madison’s Inferno. The movie loops and Sandler stars as Adam Sandler starring as Adam Sandler, descending through his film catalog in the circles of hell forevermore. And thus, we achieve the lost circle of Hell: purgatory. Roll credits, the audience applauds. It’s a standing ovation.
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