It's 11 a.m. Saturday. Last night is all but clear.
You find the strength to overcome your headache, rolling over your sea of pillows to open your laptop. You begin to draw connections between fuzzy memories of the events leading up to your slumber. Suddenly, your stomach drops.
"Did I really do that?"
The mouse hurriedly moves around the screen, navigating the browser to your e-mail inbox. Suddenly words and phrases are becoming less like a dream and more like a reality. Your mouse hovers and clicks the "Sent Mail" link.
The suspicion is true. You're guilty as charged. You are a drunk-mailer.
Luckily for you, there's now hope.Google Labs, the Web giant's experimental development arm, released a new feature for Gmail users Monday evening. "Mail Goggles" is poised by Google to prevent the sending of "regrettable e-mails" during problem-prone hours of the day. Like when you just got home from the party and you're absolutely wasted, mad or worse yet: horny.
You can't unsend mail, but you can make it difficult as all hell to send. That's the premise behind Goggles, which forces users to solve a series of simple math problems in order to send the e-mail. It's like having your sober, good-conscious best friend sitting next to you saying, "You don't want to do that. Do you really want to do that?"
Now this is efficient use of technology!
While Google never explicitly mentions alcohol in its official blog post on the feature, the Associated Press independently explains Mail Goggle's background. That is, if you hadn't figured it out already.
"The name is derived from the slang term 'beer goggles,' or the curious effect of alcohol on one's ability to see the true nature of that 'cutie' at the other end of the bar," an AP report Tuesday said.
Once activated, Mail Goggles automatically inhibits e-mail sending from 10 p.m. to 4 a.m. Friday and Saturday nights. Clearly Google never heard of Thirsty Thursdays. Not to worry, you can customize the restriction to fit your lifestyle across the entire week.
While math problems are decent impairments, Google should really push its search capability to better use here. We need smart-scanning e-mail functions, prepared to pick up the important sentences in an e-mail and, essentially, double-check our facts. A simple alert box is all we need to stay focused...
"Are you sure you want to end your relationship with Katie in this sort of hateful message?"
"Please confirm that you'd like to call Tom "a dirty, lying f---ing manwhore who gets around more than his arguably hotter best friend."
"Do you really want to tell Tom that you slept with his best friend?"
"Would you really like to tell your mother you're pregnant?"Oh, let us not forget about Gchat.
"Tom wants to chat with you. You probably shouldn't. Earlier you called him a 'dirty, lying f---ing manwhore who gets around more than his arguably hotter best friend.' Nothing good is likely to come of this conversation. Are you sure you want to proceed?"
"Fine, it's your life. Screw it up if you want to. Your chat history clearly indicates Tom is 'a washed-up hack' who 'has no motivation to live' and is 'really just a waste of space.' Whatever, though. What do I know? You never listen to me."
The integration of this technology into our daily lives stands to do great things for those of us with little self-restraint or no self-control.
We can only hope Google Labs is at work in the mobile market. We'll all have something to be thankful for when Android-powered phones, a.k.a. the "Google Phone," hit stores with these conflict-management tools. You don't need friends when your cell phone can run interference for you! No more drunk dials. No more late-night hookup calls with the ex(es). And the text messages! Oh, the text messages!
If you're looking to activate the feature for your Gmail account, click the "Settings" link in the top right window corner then click the "Labs" link on the subsequent page. On my screen, the feature is listed toward the bottom of the list. As for the beer goggles and subsequent one night stands, you're on your own there.
At least you won't have to worry about e-mailing them again.
Write to Dave at heydave@bewilderedsociety.com
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