So you think there's nothing to do in Muncie? I take it many of you want pulsating dance clubs and fashion malls with clothes that glitter like disco balls. Sure, this city could look sexier with the hum of a liposuction vacuum, and the clap of a silicone breast, but you don't alleviate debt by taking out more loans. Besides, Muncie's chest looks fine the way it is.
If you are looking for something to do, I suggest reading on and doing something similar to the process described below. My roommate Matthew Netzley and I had a great time.
First, ask your roommate Matthew Netzley if he will assist you with the material for your first Daily News column. If Matthew Netzley is not your roommate, find him, or ask a friend who is similar to Netzley.
Go to the Marsh grocery store on Wheeling Avenue and McGalliard Road. Observe Matthew Netzley (or other assistant) as he selects groceries, making sure to add a few wise cracks regarding his choices. In the produce section, notice that morel mushrooms are $49.99 a pound and covet them. Consider devouring them immediately after Matthew Netzley says they are "so delicious" but decide against it because you would probably have to write about it in your column.
Pick up a six-pack of IBC Root Beer and proceed to the check out. In the parking lot, glance at an older gentleman with salt white hair, wearing a sport coat over a turtle neck. Listen as Matthew Netzley says that he looks forward to being old so he can buy clothes like that. Laugh as he realizes he already owns clothes like that, then consider what life will be like when you are 60.
Go to Bracken Library and print out two copies of a flyer that reads as follows:
WANT A FREE IBC ROOT BEER?
Go to Bracken Library and search in the Ageline database for the article "Stereotypes of Elderly Persons in Narrative Jokes" by Alan D. Bowd.
Note which journal it was printed in and locate the actual periodical in Bracken.
Behind it you will find the IBC.
Enjoy if you are the first there, and leave the empty bottle with a note that says "Too Late."
But hurry. My roommate Matthew Netzley wants it.
For more information, see the "Hunt for IBC" column in the Thursday May 22 edition of the Daily News. If you want to continue the "Want a free IBC Root Beer?" adventure, either look at the flyers left where the bottle is or follow the instructions below to make your own:
Use large font sizes, especially with the question "Want a free IBC Root Beer?" making sure the flyer fits on one page. Decrease the margins if you have to. If you are unfamiliar with word processing layout, ask my roommate Matthew Netzley for help. If Matthew Netzley is not around, and you can't figure it out, realize that technology changes faster than you do.
Leave one of your IBC's behind the 2003 issue of "Research on Aging" and exit the library with the flyers. Tape one to the advertising kiosk in between the library, Whitinger Business Building and Noyer Complex and the other to the kiosk at the Scramble Light.
Go home and wonder whether or not your grandfather, if he were still alive, would share one of the remaining bottles of IBC with you. If your grandfather is still alive, the answer would be the same.
Write to Joe atjwmchugh@bsu.edu
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