*Grumble*
Yes - it's that time of the semester again. Life is dragging. Classes are sucking. Professors are nagging.
Mother Nature is experiencing a seasonal identity crisis.
A few friends shared their stress relief mechanism with me last week - or at least their procrastination tool. They were playing a modern, Web-based parody of "The Oregon Trail." The game is a marketing effort for Thule, a Swedish vehicle accessory company. "Thule Trail" (thuletrail.com) is based on a road trip from Chicago to California with the ultimate goal of attending a music festival. It features modernized setbacks imitating the original Westward Expansion game.
Playing the new game created a time warp for me, providing a temporary remission from the stresses of life. Recall the dead oxen and disease-plagued fictional family members during our elementary school gaming days. Forget group projects and grade point averages; fording the river was a top priority.
That got me thinking: "The Oregon Trail" could serve as a model for a college-life simulation, setbacks and all. Using our journey through young adulthood as a metaphor --¡ and in the interest of mid-semester sanity - I present likely scenarios in "The College Trail:"
You forget to move your 1987 Ford Escort from the stadium lot before a football game. Lose $90.
You broke an axel on a Muncie pothole. Lose $500.
The toilet paper supply in your apartment is low. Would you like to: A. Purchase it yourself, B. Refuse to purchase and wait for your roommates to buy it or C. Get inventive?
Your friends brag about a senseless crime on Facebook. Face jail time and campus humiliation for two semesters.
Your Math 125 professor takes attendance. Lose one semester.
You leave your tab open at a Village bar after last call. Pay bill plus 20% gratuity.
A Muncie Police Department officer gives you a joyride around campus, but the officer crashes into a light pole. Run: Fast.
Your drunken residence hall pictures end up on Facebook ... and your hall director's news feed. Serve 20 hours community service.
You feel sick and visit the Amelia T. Wood Health Center. Lose five hours. Gain miscellaneous antibiotic.
Helicopter parents invade your living area. Discard liquor, cigarettes and condoms.
A significant other finds out about your other significant other. Lose significant other(s).
You receive the following text message: "dude...wtf? pop quiz in soc class." Spend 30 minutes cramming.
You have arrived at Frog Baby, would you like to stop and explore the view?
Writing Competency exam grades are in. You lost your ID number. Receive lecture from desk attendant.
You failed the exam anyway. Push graduation back one semester.
A smoking ban goes into effect. Nothing changes. Press space bar to continue.
Muncie is hit with 20 inches of snow overnight. Would you like to: A. Try and move your car anyway, B: Complain to the landlord about the lack of plowing or C. Sit at home and play X-Box?
Your underage best friend is drinking beer at tailgating when Excise Police ask for his ID. Lose $300.
Fall Break arrives, but it is shorter in order to prevent Saturday finals. Express emotion via incoherent slur of profanity.
You spend hours coming up with jokes based on a 1985 computer game. Find better column topic for next week.
Senior Will O'Hargan contributed to this column.
Write to Dave at heydave@bewilderedsociety.com
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