The greatest All-Star event in all of sports takes place Monday night when SteroidFest 2006,-áer, I mean, Home Run Derby, hits the field in Pittsburgh.
It will feature a star-studded cast of baseball's best musclemen, and David Ortiz, Ryan Howard and others will fight to see which player gets the most Chris Berman-isms during their at-bats. I'm guessing "You're with me, leather" will probably not make it into the telecast. (It doesn't deal with fielding a baseball.)
We've come a long way since the first Home Run Derby in 1985, when the Cincinnati Reds' Dave Parker belted six home runs. If that's not low enough for you, my boyhood idol, Andre Dawson, smacked four long balls to win the 1987 version. In 1990, Ryne Sandberg walloped all of three home runs to win that year. On a side note, both Cubbies led the National League in home runs those years (49 and 40, respectively.)
What if there was a Baseball Movie Character Home Run Derby? Who would win if you took the big home run hitters using a collection of movie baseball stars? That's what I'm here to help figure out. Criteria for being invited to this derby is simple: You just have to be a fictional character from a baseball movie. So no Ty Cobb ("Cobb"), Babe Ruth ("The Babe") or "Shoeless" Joe Jackson ("Field of Dreams" and "Eight Men Out.") The six contestants are Kelly Leak, Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez, Jack Elliot, Crash Davis, Pedro Cerrano and Roy Hobbs. And of course this contest will be held at Wrigley Field in Chicago.-áLet's break it down.
Kelly Leak - "Bad News Bears"-á
Leak was the Ortiz of Chico's Bail Bonds. When Buttermaker's squad needed a clutch hit, home run or cigarettes, Leak was the go-to-guy. The youngest member of this elite squad, I would be worried about the pressure getting to this cocky outfielder. -á
Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez - "The Sandlot"-á
The young king of the San Fernando Valley had 10-year-old girls swooning for him and his PF Flyers. Unfortunately, the name of the game is hitting long bombs and not being fast or stealing home. The ability to outrun "The Beast," aka the neighbor's dog, won't be able to put balls into the basket at the "Friendly Confines."
Jack Elliot - "Mr. Baseball"-á
An aging baseball player trying to cling to his last hopes in Japan (kind of like Sammy Sosa), Elliot probably doesn't bode well in a competition like this. Without 7000 muscles bulging out of his arm (kind of like Sammy Sosa), this washed-up former Major League Baseball star doesn't make it out of the first round.-á
Crash Davis - 'Bull Durham"-á
The sentimental favorite because of his ability to give a great speech (I believe in the soul, ... , the small of a woman's back, the hanging curveball, and so on ...), he is also the minor league's all-time leader in home runs. If Nuke LaLoosh and his ugly pitching motion are on the mound, give Davis a huge advantage. The Annie Savoy factor comes into play somewhere also, as she knows how to push Crash's buttons.
Pedro Cerrano - "Major League"
This voodoo-practicing lumber man would thrive in a competition like Home Run Derby. Why you ask? Well, according to Cerrano, "Straight ball I hit very much."
I can't argue with that. The man who hit a mammoth two-run homer to tie the Yankees in the one-game playoff knows how to perform under pressure. And because he won't be seeing any curveballs, he will not need JoBu or Jesus Christ to help him hit baseballs onto Waveland or Sheffield avenues. Just don't take the rum, because it is very bad to steal JoBu's rum. It is very bad.-á
Roy Hobbs - "The Natural"-á
Sixteen years after being shot by a crazed female fan, the man with the natural ability to play the national pastime - hence the title-¡ - is given one last shot to play by the New York Knights. And what a last chance he gets. First, he knocks the cover off the ball. Then, he breaks the lights with a game-winning home run. And let's not forget his beloved bat, Wonderboy. -á
After a first round in which four combatants are eliminated, I think it would come down to a magical showdown between Cerrano and Hobbs for celluloid supremacy. Which bat is better - Cerrano's that uses a hat to keep it warm, or Hobbs' Wonderboy special (or a replaced bat if Wonderboy breaks into shreds). As powerful as Cerrano is, I thnk it would be too difficult for Cerrano to defeat the magic of Hobbs. And after graciously accepting defeat, Cerrano lets Hobbs drink some of JoBu's rum. Now that's just good clean family fun.
Write to Phil at prfriend@bsu.edu
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