About a week ago, I read a newspaper article saying that in the city of Chicago, BB guns are not considered toys, but rather lethal weapons. What!? Just give me a moment to roll that around in my head. Just a second. Hold on... OK, that just doesn't make any sense to me. Well, maybe if... no, that's still stupid.
The BB gun has been a treasured childhood toy for both boys and tomboys alike all over this great nation, from sea to shining sea. They are an integral part of the development process in exercising their index finger muscles and ability to see things with one squinted eye. No other toy or training program in the world expands such valuable skills... except for, I guess, the Army. (But barely!)
Growing up, I never had a BB gun. I don't know why. But my neighbor had one, and we always had a great time popping off a couple of rounds at carefully lined up green, plastic army men and (when no one was looking) the mailman. Oh yeah, that's why I never had one.
As for the guns being lethal, I have a solution to the problem: Take your eye out of the barrel! There are better ways to check if it's loaded. Also, only pump the gun once. Once is all you need to hit that wussy paper target or the windows in the abandoned warehouse down the street.
Parents have no need to worry about their child's safety around these gentle, misunderstood creatures. They don't mean to cause any more harm then a friendly bee. I have been zapped by a BB gun more than once in my lifetime. It's OK. It stings for awhile, but the minor pain goes away once you beat the living crap out of your idiot friend.
I understand that the mean streets of Chicago are much tougher than the rough, unpaved streets of Muncie. But I doubt that the Crips and the Bloods (or Capone or whoever is in charge now) have all-out gang wars and drive-bys using Red Riders. A board with a nail in it is more effective!
I have a feeling that I haven't completely reached all of you. That's OK. I love a challenge. Some of you are probably sitting there in your dorm-issue chairs thinking, "Oh Brian, though you may be the coolest guy ever, I must disagree. BB guns are an archaic pastime enjoyed only by cavemen and rednecks. They have no place in our modern civilized society." That's pure bull plop! Everybody knows that rednecks are extinct!
In short, what is the big deal? Let boys be boys! BB guns are a building block to a boy's life. Not every boy, but some. Besides, without BB guns, how will we defend ourselves and our families from those roving street gangs of tin cans? Do you want to be waiting for your background check to clear while those smug cans just sit on your fence, undented? No sir! That is a world that I do not want to live in!
If we are going to consider BB guns lethal weapons, why not Frisbees or Nerf Ballzookas, too? They are also a slice of Americana. Taking away BB guns are just the first step in dissembling our heritage piece by piece. Just you wait and see! First it's the BB guns, then the slingshots, then comes spitting off the overpass! What next? Do you want one of my kidneys, too? Never! So if you want to take my BB gun, you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands, Commie!
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