As I go through life, I find that some things cause more trouble than they're worth. If you don't believe me, leave your vehicle in a commuter lot overnight and see what happens. Then renew your passport so you can go to Canada for two hours. Then, if you haven't had enough, buy some Orville Redenbacher caramel corn just because it looks like a cool idea.
Popcorn connoisseurs, hear me now: Not only is microwaveable caramel corn not a cool idea, it is impossible. Allow me to elaborate (mostly because you have little choice).
Last weekend I decided to defy the laws of space and time by doing my grocery shopping, and what did my wandering eyes behold, but Orville Redenbacher caramel corn.
Angels sang the Hallelujah Chorus and a beam of light descended from above. Five minutes in the microwave and -- gasp! -- you have the king of all popcorn at your fingertips without the constant fear that a piece of buttered or cheese popcorn has migrated into the caramel section of the tin, thereby contaminating the bite.
I should've known better. For my eleventh birthday party, Sandra Giordani and I, with all the wisdom of junior high girls, tried, quite unsuccessfully, to make the very same popcorn but instead, successfully beyond our expectations, filled my entire house with smoke.
I thought of this as I held the box thinking, "Surely with all of the recent breakthroughs in technology, they have improved this product in such a way that even I, a very low scorer on the math section of the SAT, can reach a tolerable, even tasty, finished product. Knock on wood."
I got the popcorn home and opened the box. There were two bags, which meant that, should one catch on fire, I would have a second to pop over the open flames of my apartment building while I waited for the fire department in the parking lot. This was good news.
I followed the instructions to a T. Pop the plain popcorn for an unspecified amount of time until the popping slows. Open bag. Insert caramel wafer (which is really not a wafer at all, in the true sense of the word). Put bag upright in microwave. Nuke popcorn for additional two minutes. Cool. Eat. Gain 12 pounds. Buy new pants.
This message is brought to you by the Aleshia and Sandra School for the Gifted: Skip all instructions, discard the popcorn and eat the box, because after five minutes in the microwave -- gasp! -- you have a huge, sticky, burnt, terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad mess. Twice.
Interestingly, the nutrition information lists nutrition values for the popcorn when it is unpopped. Obviously enough people have been driven to madness and have ended up consuming unpopped corn and the caramel "wafer" to merit such a thing. Everyone who's attempted to make it, I imagine.
I know many of you are thinking, "That Aleshia... what a moron. Surely I can make this product and have it turn out identifiable and even eatable. Knock on wood." Don't let me stop you! Go ahead and buy the caramel corn of death! Be sure you tell me how it turns out.
For your convenience, I'll be with the fire department.
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