When people are out of the country, their priorities suddenly become clear. You can shell out the $567 for an international phone call to find out what wonders they've explored off our shores, and they consistently turn the tables on you. They crave home-grown information; it's a not-so-mild form of withdrawal some people suffer overseas when the Internet isn't near.
Thus it was a few weeks back with my brother. My family and I decided to pool the pocket change and pay for the first 30 seconds of international phone time we could afford and mortgage the manor to pay for the rest. After hearing about what he'd be doing half the world away, the question dropped: "So, what's going on?"
I provided the recap. Hot weather (yawn), prison scandals in Iraq (heard it), John Kerry stuck his foot in his mouth again (sigh), me being accused of being an RNC puppet by mental midgets (laugh), the Lakers imploded....
Suddenly, he was animated. Really? What happened? When? Why? He turned and told his fianc+â-¬e the news: The Lakers imploded! The Lakers imploded!
Right about then I realized the NBA was fun - in the off-season. The games are almost as torturous to watch as Shaq shooting free throws (the man could be an Olympic shot-put medalist). However, after the champs are crowned, the league turns into a soap opera that could be called "When Overpaid Athletes Attack."
Shaq made it clear he felt the Lakers had not played to win, called the team "fat" and then demanded to be traded. Kobe made his own power play by testing the free agency waters. Karl Malone is thinking of packing it up, and Phil Jackson resigned to practice Zen.
Essentially, it boiled down to who was really the big dog in the yard. The egos were running the asylum. This is compelling entertainment.
What really made the whole fun were the subtle little sidebars. Shaq's wife got quoted saying she wanted out of Los Angeles. She said her family needed to move because they had outgrown their 18-room, $7.5 million mansion. She wanted to head to Dallas were Mark Cuban yearned to be the benefactor to more than one individual.
Then the whole thing turned dramatic when the Lakers went after Mike Krzyzewski. Over the Fourth of July weekend, ESPN fanned the indigestion of Duke fans everywhere by salivating at the prospect of Coach K going to L.A. Then the came thud: Coach K said "no way."
Eventually, the plot lines got finality when the popcorn ran out. Shaq got traded to Miami, so now they get to cringe when he toes the foul line. The Clippers and the Suns expressed interest in Bryant, but he stayed with the Lakers. Surprisingly, Denver never sought Bryant -- they could benefit from having him on the squad, albeit it could be through a work release program. The team eventually hired a coach the media calls Rudy T., as good a mafia name if one has ever been seen.
And there's more! T-Mac and the Magic, Vince and the Raptors - it goes on and on, but time grows short.
In the end, it proves one thing: The NBA gets better ratings in the off-season than in-season. If only they could infuse the games with this stuff. People might actually tune in.
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