As a columnist, it is my sworn duty to deliver to you a new and different approach, a fresh perspective and yet another reason why this country, world and human race are doomed. Fear not, for today you will not be disappointed.
According to a recent report from CNN, Mary Kate Olsen is being treated for anorexia. I admit that I am guilty of mentally strangling and beating the Olsen twins with pillowcases full of hockey pucks. This might be because they are two years younger than I, 12 times as wealthy and at least 495 times more influential, though not for any particular reason aside from enticing America's young girls with glitter and flared jeans.
However, in light of recent incidents, I cannot help but feel sorry for them. Mary Kate Olsen probably became anorexic intentionally just so she and Ashley Olsen could have one teensy, weensy difference in the public eye. If I was her, I would have hacked off an arm by now.
But this is not the issue at hand [rim shot]. Believe it or not, the Olsen twins seem an insignificant scratch on the fender of consumerism compared to the massive dent caused by the video game industry.
A friend of mine, who we will refer to as "Tom," recently took part in a market research survey that introduced the concept for a new video game. In the game, you play the part of an unruly college male whose quest is to become the coolest person on campus. To gain coolness, you must do drugs, take advantage of girls, play pranks on various people and try to run out the evil dean by seducing his wife and daughters.
Tom was one of six college-age guys taking part in the survey. He claims, probably truthfully, that he was the only one who said that the game was appalling.
Another friend of mine, who we will refer to as "Ben," is a video game fanatic in the sense that he has super-powered thumbs capable of conquering the race of men. I often watch while he plays "Grand Theft Auto." He often offers to let me play, and I often decline because I believe that playing "Grand Theft Auto" would often cause me to break traffic rules.
Ben confirmed my theory; he claims that after he is finished playing GTA, he has to resist urges to cut people off in traffic, run red lights and travel the opposite direction on one-way streets. He also nearly believes that the police do not see him unless he actually runs into them.
I do not think for one moment that, if by any slim chance that the Big Man on Campus game ever hit the shelves, Ben would buy it and have to resist urges to rock the ganj in his apartment. But there are people who may think that doing these things will actually make them cool. The average person's general regard for others is low enough without reinforcing it with a ridiculous game glorifying self-gratification.
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