It's been a long road.
As I look down at the tear-drenched revisions of this column, I have finally come up with a way to bring it to a close.
It's hard to make a "One Shining Moment" of my column. I don't raise my arm and extend my pointer finger into the air after writing a particularly good sentence. Not a lot, anyway.
I've decided to create my own sport. With a year of looking at sports and poking fun at them, I think it's only fair that I use what I have learned to create a new sport that will quite possibly become the greatest sport in the world.
The sport will be called Willoball, at least temporarily, until I can get a corporate sponsor. In a year where I half expect the final practice before the Indy 500 to be Atkins Low Carb Day, I think it's only fair. And, while Willoball has a certain ring to it, Viagraball will make me very, very rich.
But before I describe Willoball in its entirety, let me first go through some of the early ideas for Willoball. I was initially thinking of a sport similar to tennis, but played with Super Bouncy Balls. Then I got an image of Andre Agassi pelting me with balls with odd patterns, and that idea was scratched.
I also thought about a sport similar to Tchoukball, using rebound nets, but eventually found that I couldn't locate a rebound net to play with. By the way, anyone have a rebound net I can borrow?
So, now, let's explore Willoball.
Willoball will feature a number of lightly padded players playing on a grass field. There will be no goalie in Willoball, as sports with goalies cause low-scoring events, which Americans despise. Look at soccer. Or the various versions of hockey. Or goalball.
Willoball will feature physical contact, but in a civil, tackling manner. None of the brute violence of hockey or the pointless fouls of basketball.
Much of the sport will borrow from a variant of basketball: netball.
The ball is tipped from the center of the field, with a team lined up on each side. The sport does not require dribbling, but once a player gains possession of the ball, he or she can only move backwards. The player can move the ball forward through passing, but must do so quickly as, when the player has possession, he or she can be tackled. The object is to pass the ball around enough to get a player able to get off a shot before he or she is tackled. The hoop is the same as a standard basketball hoop.
The ball is not a basketball, nor is it a soccer ball. The ball is the standard inflatable kickball, which allows the ball to travel easier and move down the court quickly. It also ensures that errant passes don't injure players too much.
The passes must involve the hands, unless they are in the fourth of the court closest to defending the goal. If they get the ball there, they can choose to dropkick, or "clear" the ball, although it is likely the opponent will regain possession of the ball.
The court will be a standard basketball-length court. No unusual provisions will be made to players or teams.
Teams will consist of eight strong players who can play any position. The team with the most points at the end wins.
And that's the game, as the clich+â-¬ goes. While I doubt Willoball will catch on, I am writing a letter to Procter & Gamble right now. The Tide Bowl may kick off somewhere on campus next year.
Keep your fingers crossed.
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