Spring is in the air. It should come as no surprise to you, as an American consumer, that this is the time of year in which many young women obtain a ridiculously expensive, yet unendingly special item that will forever symbolize the eternal love and affection of one man.
That's right; it's prom dress shopping season!
In unrelated news, more than half of engagement ring sales in the United States occur within the last three months of the year. This should also come as no surprise, given the vast and varied array of occasions in the late winter and spring appropriate for presenting such a crucial token of love: Christmas, New Year's Eve, April Fool's Day, etc.
And, luckily for the industry, the media have linked the presenter's degree of undying love for the recipient directly to the number of dollars spent (rounded to the nearest 10,000) on said token.
In high school, a friend and I went around to all of the jewelry stores in Woodland Mall in Kentwood, Mich., and asked the sales people to see the most expensive thing on the menu. It was that day that I wore, if only for a brief moment, a $26,000 ring. I took it off right away for two reasons: 1. There is something unsettling about wearing a piece of jewelry worth seven times the Kelley Blue Book value of your car, and 2. I felt like I should take out an insurance policy just to try it on in case it jumped off my finger and ran directly to the nearest garbage disposal.
Gentlemen, hear me now: Spending this much money on a ring for a woman who loves you for your mind is insane. First of all, she will never wear it because it will be in a heavy duty safe in a secret compartment in the closet wall, and secondly, she will wonder what ever happened to that mind that she loved so much.
Fact: According to the Wilton Wedding 2003 Marketing Report, the traditional amount paid for an engagement ring is $3,000. With the $23,000 you save by being a logical human being, you can buy (among other things) seven purebred Yorkshire terrier puppies with registration, new transmissions for 14 1994 Ford Tauruses, or 18,400 on-campus loads of laundry.
"But," you say, "I want the best, biggest, most expensive ring for my Honeykins because she deserves it, and so she can be the envy of all of her friends."
Another fact: If your Honeykins is smart, she will realize that any money not spent on a huge rock can potentially be the down payment on a new car or a house. Feelings of financial security are far better than those of constant fear that she will somehow accidentally feed her ring to an animal. Furthermore, if you are smart, you will have treated her well up to this point, so she will be the envy of her friends even if you present her with a twist tie. A diamond may be forever, but you will never see genuine sincerity and kindness for sale in a pawn shop.
The bottom line is this: Screw the media. When it comes to true love, size really doesn't matter.
Unless, of course, we're talking about a prom dress.
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