Hipsters are so misunderstood.
The accepted definition of "hip" is "following a unique path outside the mainstream."
Hipsters live by this -- especially in music tastes and personal appearance -- but so much more drives the hipster zeitgeist. To better understand hipsters, let's look closer.
Sporting trucker hats, unkempt hair, vintage clothing and a sense of irony only his/her closest friends understand, the hipster embodies "cool."
(Note: As these elements are now declared indicators of hipsters, they are no longer "cool." Now they are kitsch-retro-ironic statements on the fall of the "scene.")
While appearance is crucial, anyone can go around wearing a vintage shirt and sporting bed-head. The hipster's discerning taste in music sets him apart.
Remember: The ultimate barometer of coolness is the music collection.
"Artsy" bands such as The Velvet Underground or Guided By Voices are cornerstones for hipster collections, but wily hipsters may include dark horses, such as Wall of Voodoo or Devo.
Most popular bands are rejected, except for early work, which is appreciated for "really breaking ground" and "establishing a benchmark for many current bands."
I call this "The Syd Barrett Effect," named for Pink Floyd's original lead singer, who went nuts and was thrown out of the band. This dramatically altered Floyd's creative direction.
Example: "Early [band name] is vital. The rest is just bloated classic rock."
Hipsters often denounce bands as derivative of the Velvet Underground, which pretty much applies to every band on Earth (for variation, the hipster will switch to The Pixies). This is known as "The Velvet Pixie Theorem."
Example: "[Any band here] borrowed from Lou Reed, but put a Frank Black spin on the sensibility of the lyrics."
The hipster appreciates a few artists heard on the radio or seen on "the MTV," but for reasons outside the mainstream. This is called "The Green Day Postulate."
Example: "[Band name] anchors pop-punk into the mainstream, but [lead singer's] musical maturity impresses me most."
Mainstream knowledge shapes the hipster's music collection, which is always in flux.
When mainstreamers "discover" a band, hipsters must preserve their cred by disavowing said band (with a few exceptions, including Sunny Day Real Estate, Built to Spill and Wilco).
Hipsters must exude music knowledge at all times, while maintaining a distant perspective and scoffing at the term, "alternative" as though akin to the term "reverse racism."
Compact discs are known as "albums" regardless of the fact that the term "album" almost exclusively referred to vinyl records prior to CD technology.
Borrowing phrases such as "groovy" and "fly" from past cultural movements and using them ironically is considered cool, but as with all cool things, this must be done sparingly.
Hipsters utilize the Internet. Livejournals are acceptable only if the hipster has a paid account and uses at least five ironic profile elements. User photos must be "artsy" or feature a kitsch celebrity such as Hoss from "Bonanza."
Hipsters are capable of writing impassioned diatribes explaining the differences between The Rentals and Nada Surf, but choose not to, lest "fanboy" accusations surface.
This is only the beginning. Literally hundreds of quirky rules apply to the hipster movement, ensuring that no outsider will understand.
But no hipster can be pigeonholed. As music tastes and appearances vary, hipsters develop a unique coolness.
Example: I can't stand the Velvet Underground.
How ironic.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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