I love Groundhog Day.
Today is the only day of the year when normal, rational people turn to a bleary-eyed, dazed rodent for a look at the future. (The State of the Union Address doesn't count.)
Every year in Punxsutawney, Pa., a groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil (because "Muncie Phil" would make no sense) is dragged, scared snotless, from his slumber.
He trembles with the same fear you'd have if giant hands reached into your bedroom, grabbed you and held you up in front of 10,000 freezing people who can't think of anything else to do during the wee hours of Feb. 2. (Hint: Go back to bed, you monkeys.)
Once manhandled, Punxsutawney Phil is presented with the burning question: Will we have an early spring? Or will the groundhog die? Muhahahaha.
Talk about pressure.
(Note: I am aware the groundhog's life is not at stake. Just play along.)
As the minions cheer, laugh, pat each other on the back and say, "This is the best thing we could be doing at 7 a.m. in the dead of winter," Phil searches for his shadow in a panic.
He prays the sun is not out, casting shadows everywhere. If Phil's shadow falls, then he and the rest of the free world know: Six more weeks of winter await us.
Phil knows the townspeople, if faced with six more weeks of freezing, will start to get that "look" in their eyes -- that leering, insane stare, like when mountain climbers run out of food.
If Phil casts no shadow, he will sigh with relief, his heart will stop palpitating, and spring will come early.
Punxsutawney Phil will return to his life of sleeping, chewing holes in things and ruining flowerbeds, as things should be.
Once freed, sometimes Phil is available for comment. He is often surly, as we all might be after such trauma.
(Note: I am aware that groundhogs do not talk. Just play along.)
"I mean, come on," Phil said in a taped interview on Fox News. "It's like when your friends ask for advice, but they don't want to hear what you think. They already know what they want to hear and just want you to say that.
"Fie on you infernal humans! I can't control the sun!" Phil added.
Who can blame Phil for complaining? The little guy has 364 days of peace, and then this. It's a wonder the residents of Punxsutawney don't need to defibrillate him year after year.
Over the years, Punxsutawney Phil has been photographed repeatedly, broadcast over the Internet, featured on "Oprah" and even helped Bill Murray drive a truck off a cliff.
What do people think he is, some kind of animal?
But because people are boring by nature (see any suburb for more information), people carry on this tradition, and forget about the groundhog's feelings.
"Fie on you infernal humans!" Phil repeated, careening toward madness.
As you move about your day, the burning question is, "Did the groundhog see his shadow this morning?"
In four of the past five years, he has, to little rejoicing. One Web site claims Phil's accuracy stands at 100 percent -- amazing.
But we selfish humans only want to hear one answer. Punxsutawney Phil knows this, and he sits in his hovel, vowing revenge.
"Soon," Punxsutawney Phil says ominously. "Soon."
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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