Sunday evening the Ball State cheerleaders gathered for their weekly practice on the Quad. Sitting away to the side under a tree, Denise Poe watched the cheerleaders with intent and enthusiasm.
"Do you think you could get me up in the air like that?" she asked cheerleader, Josh Blake as he brought his partner gently back to the ground.
Blake has known Denise for a couple years as she has come to practices and games to watch her own son cheer on the Ball State Cardinals.
His cheers can no longer be heard though.
On February 22, 2003, Denise's son, Ryan Wade Poe took his own life.
Almost five months without him, his mother is still remembering and still sharing the love she has for her son with those around her.
Ryan, a former Elwood resident, was a Ball State criminal justice major who was expected to graduate in May 2003. Although he was not there to accept his diploma his mother was.
Ryan's body was placed in the Elwood cemetery with his grandparents, but a stone does not mark where he rests.
Ryan's mother, who struggles with fibromyalgia, has not had the money to purchase a stone yet.
"I want to get something unique, because Ryan was unique," Denise said. "He wore his heart on his sleeve."
Besides wanting a stone for her only son's grave, Denise wishes to have a tree planted on Ball State's campus in his memory.
"I want a red maple tree for Ball State's colors," she said. She also hopes to have a tree planted for him at a park in Elwood.
Ryan worked with the Youth Opportunity Center in Muncie which helps children and families who are victims of behavioral problems or neglect.
"Ryan would never tell anyone no," Denise said.
While at Elwood High School, Ryan started cheering as the first male cheerleader at the school. Ryan also cheered during his time at Ball State. His mother said that this was a way to meet girls, due to how shy her son was.
Through the cheerleading squad, Ryan started to become more outgoing, Denise said.
But Ryan still kept a secret from the people he met.
When Ryan was seven years old he was involved in an accident which caused him to become deaf in his right ear.
Ryan was later diagnosed with otosclerosis. Doctors told Ryan that he would be lucky if he wasn't fully deaf before he was 25 years old.
His deafness became a secret that he kept from everyone and constantly struggled with, Denise said.
"I never knew that he was deaf," Karen Cunningham, Ryan's cheer partner said. "I should have realized it because he would always [lean in] when I would say something."
Two days before Ryan took his life, he sat in his room at his Muncie house listening to his music full blast.
"I knew then that he had lost all of his hearing," Denise said.
Ryan always spoke of wanting to be a state cop, but his mother knew that he would never be able to because of his hearing loss.
"I'm sure his hearing just overwhelmed him," she said.
Denise said that Ryan had a hard time fitting in while growing up because of his hearing problem and that he didn't drink or partake in drug use.
Denise recalled one night when Ryan was still in high school and went bowling with some friends. When he returned home he was in tears. He told me that if the cops went to the bowling ally his school would no longer have a football or swimming team because they had all been drinking, Denise said.
On July 9, Ryan was to turn 22. His mother spent the day thinking of what a wonderful son she had.
Through the last five months she has experienced her ups and downs acknowledging that some days she just isn't "going."
"I wore his smile for a month after he died," Denise said. "Ryan and I were very close and the shock has lasted a long time for me."
Before Ryan died Denise was in a car accident that kept her in bed for weeks. Now that he is gone she is up and going, but often feels that there is not much to keep going for.
When Denise's sometimes frequent mourning becomes too much to bare, she often turns to Ryan's friends.
She smiles a lot, but when she does need to talk she knows she can call me and has in the past, Cunningham said.
"I don't know what I would do without his friends," Denise said. "It is always wonderful to hear how much his friends loved him."
Denise wishes for all of Ryan's friends to e-mail her and share their memories of Ryan. Denise can be reached at Motherofasaint2003@yahoo.com.
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