Julia Corbett emotionally recalled her past for an audience of Ball State students Thursday night.
Corbett said she remembered taking a bath when she was about four years old. Her father was with her, but it was not innocent.
He raped her.
It was the beginning of a pattern of abuse that would last for 11 years, Corbett, an only child, said.
Corbett, professor of philosophy, spoke to students about her experiences as part of Sexual Assault Awareness Week events.
"Sex with my father became almost routine," Corbett said.
She said she was the type of child who was quiet and wanted to please, so Corbett rarely protested her father's treatment.
"I deserve an Oscar for the front I put on with most people," Corbett said.
Corbett said her mother often switched from denying the abuse to blaming Corbett for it.
Once, Corbett's father aggressively raped her enough to make her bleed, she said. When her mother took Corbett to the doctor, she said that Corbett had fallen from their home's porch onto a picket fence.
"I recalled years later that we didn't even have a picket fence," Corbett said. "There is a fabric of lies that's woven around abuse to protect the abuser."
The abuse finally ended, however, when Corbett's parents divorced because of her father's many extramarital affairs, she said.
Corbett said she tried to move on with her life, but the memories would shove their way to the forefront of her mind when she least expected it.
"Most of my life, there had been another side to me," Corbett said. "I always felt there was a wall between me and the rest of the world."
Corbett said feelings of depression, moodiness and sleepless nights plagued her.
"I was haunted by a sense of blame and responsibility for nothing I even did," she said.
But Corbett rarely revealed her true feelings, she said.
Starting in the late 1990s, she began seeing a counselor regularly.
Corbett said she came to understand that her problems came from post-traumatic stress.
Through counseling and writing poetry, Corbett came to terms with her tumultuous childhood, she said.
"Writing poetry became a compassionate history and helped me heal," Corbett said. "Making art out of suffering brings grace to it and helps ease it."
Corbett read several of her poems during her speech that described the pain and loneliness she endured in her past.
"It took a lot of time, hard work and a lake or two of tears, but remembering my history was like suddenly finding missing pieces of the puzzle," Corbett said. "I began to make sense to me."
Forgiving her parents has also come with healing, she said.
Her father died before Corbett was able to confront him with the abuse and her mother was too sick to talk to, she said.
For a sense of closure, then, Corbett wrote a letter to each of her parents that told how she felt, she said. Then she burned each one.
"Forgiveness isn't about forgetting or condoning behaviors," Corbett said. "It's about letting go, and moving beyond trauma to a place of peace and wholeness."
June Payne, associate director for clinical services at the counseling center, said she hoped that Corbett's speech would be one step in breaking the social taboo of sexual abuse.
"Her message is one of healing, and it is possible," Payne said.
John Stachula, a staff member at the counseling center said it is necessary to talk about these issues.
"A big part of it (the problem) is silence," Stachula said. "It's very important to talk about it."
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