Today I decided to write about train-gamers. These old, wizened, holdovers from the 70s are a plague on the gaming commun-
Santa: Ho-ho-ho!
Mouse: Whoa! It's a fat guy in tight, a red leather - yuck!
Santa: Ho-ho-ho, Mouse! Merry Christmas!
Mouse: Santa Claus? What in the name of St. Cuthbert are you doing dressed like that?
Santa: I did a photo shoot for the new Abercrombie and Fitch "clothing catalogue" and I guess you could say I was inspired. Ho-ho-ho! Wait until you see Mrs. Claus!
Mouse: I think I'd rather not. But while I have you cornered here, why don't you tell me what I'm getting for Christmas?
Santa: Well, it's funny you mention that. Ho-ho-ho! You see, Mouse, there isn't going to be a Christmas this year.
(Cue dramatic music)
Mouse: No Christmas? Wha-?! In the name of all things consumerism, I demand some answers!
Santa: I've been too busy with other things.
Mouse: Oh?
Santa: In the past year, the North Pole has established itself as a Mecca for Homeland Security.
Mouse: Homeland Security? Santa, how can you possibly help with that?
Santa: Ho-ho-ho! (singing) "He's making a list, and checking it twice. Gonna find out who's naughty and nice..."
Mouse: Ah, of course. You know Santa, I've always been suspicious of your list. It seems to me that if you're keeping some kind of database on all the children of the world, you're actually compromising the very freedom our government claims to protect. Furthermore, I find it rather disconcerting that your operation seems to favor middle and upper-class Christian children. Why don't you go down the chimney of Jewish and Muslim kids? That sounds like some sort of cultural profiling to me.
Santa: Here, maybe this will make you feel better. Have a red, white and blue candy cane.
Mouse: Mmm. This red, white and blue candy cane tastes like freedom!
Santa: There you go, be a good little boy and suck your candy cane. Also, the Christmas budget was struggling this year. You know my elves are government employees.
Mouse: Yes, of course.
Santa: The toy factory is struggling to make ends meet as it is. I was going to give the elves a raise this year, but I decided to axe their raise.
Mouse: Santa, that is not in the spirit of Christmas! Why would you do such a thing?
Santa: Ho-ho-ho! The war on terror, Mouse, the war on terror. I needed to buy new reindeer. It's out with Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, and in with Rocket, Big Brother, Inspector and Blitzkrieg.
Mouse: Holy smokes, Santa. What about Rudolph?
Santa: There is no Rudolph. There never was a Rudolph.
Mouse: (monotone) There is no Rudolph. There never was a Rudolph.
Santa: Finally, there is one more reason there will be no Christmas this year: the train gamers sucked up all my coal resources.
Mouse: That figures. I always knew the train gamers were up to no good. Man, this candy cane is de-liberty-licious. I love you, Santa.
Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Have another candy cane, son.
Write to Mouse at bbmcshane@bsu.edu
Visit www.classicalgeektheatre.com
Read More
Three Air Jam teams take home the win
October 12, 2012Nineteen teams shimmied, shook and flipped for a sold out John R. Emens Auditorium on Thursday night during the 25th annual Air Jam.
Bill Clinton Speaks at North Central High School
October 12, 2012Former President's Speech Could Have Effect on State Senate Race
