Throughout my decade of higher learning, I've fought valiantly against the rigors of college, including -- though not limited to -- homework, learning, thinking and graduating.
I've done well so far. However, one problem has persisted since the beginning (aside from chronic dork syndrome). Insomnia has plagued me farther back than I can remember (about 15 minutes ago).
With no desire to develop a nasty addiction to any over-the-counter, drug-induced sleep solution (which might counter my nasty addiction to over-the-counter Mountain Dew), I opted for a non-habit-forming herbal remedy: valerian.
Boy, was I silly.
Valerian is an extract from the Valeriana officinalis root, which is not addictive, is perfectly healthy and promotes total wellness (you know, that word you hear a lot in gym class, right before you run until you puke).
The label on my bottle reads, "Restful sleep." This adds credence to nearly every positive thing I have heard about valerian. (Some insist herbal remedies such as valerian, St. John's wort and ginseng are worthless -- these people are known as "doctors.")
I took time to read the label and, to my frustration, I accidentally learned. Alas, every time I leave my house, I learn. As we all know, learning hurts.
Luckily for me, valerian can help.
The herb has been known to relieve pain, encourage relaxation and generally promote sleep in ways rivaled only by going to class. Who knows? Maybe it will make my teeth whiter and my coat shinier, and then I can stop eating Milk Bones, too.
I took my bottle home and prepared for a restful evening. When it came time for bed, I cracked the safety seal on the bottle and was immediately greeted by an odor reminiscent of rotten foot fungus ringworm athlete's foot manure.
Yes, that's the odor.
At first I had no idea. I sniffed my own armpits and detected nothing unusual. I checked my shoes for traces of unwelcome outboard canine stench-inducers. Finally, I took off my socks and determined that, once and for all, my feet are ugly.
However, I did not locate the odor until I took the lid off the bottle.
Hear me when I tell you this: when I removed that lid, I unleashed a belching swarm of demonic stenches that made me believe Satan and his swarthy band of demons were living inside the bottle and eating baked beans with their feet.
With no sign of the Mephistopheles or his minions, I reached into the bottle and took out a tiny, gelatin-coated capsule full of what appeared to be cat litter. I did not think, I simply acted: I popped the pill in my mouth and reached for a glass of water.
Once washed down, I could still smell the valerian in my nostrils. The scent had invaded my sinuses and would not leave. To survive the evening, I acted like a Muncie resident: I became complacent and pretended it wasn't there.
I slept well that night and woke the next morning completely refreshed. I was about to recommend valerian to everyone, but then I read the label again and remembered.
"Valerian has what some people consider to be an offensive odor. However, when one experiences valerian's benefits, it is easy to look past its smell."
If only everyone could smell past its smell.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
Read More
Three Air Jam teams take home the win
October 12, 2012Nineteen teams shimmied, shook and flipped for a sold out John R. Emens Auditorium on Thursday night during the 25th annual Air Jam.
Bill Clinton Speaks at North Central High School
October 12, 2012Former President's Speech Could Have Effect on State Senate Race
