What does C-N-N actually stand for?
Someone told me that it was the Clinton News Network, but that old man is long gone. We only have to worry about his wife now.
So, while I sit mesmerized by all the depressing footage on the televisions strategically placed around the Art and Journalism Building, I'm trying to figure out what the C-N-N really stand for. Do the N and the other N stand for "news" and "network" or is it more subliminal than that?
I just don't know, although I do have a theory of my own.
CNN is actually an acronym for the Crisis News Network. Where else can you find constant replays of all the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad things happening in this world? Any time my eyes come in contact with the boob tube, there are only four different stories CNN actually focus on.
Seven months ago, they could only focus on the Sept. 11 tragedy and then the "war on terrorism." Then, after those calmed down a little, it was the Yates trial. Then CNN began its regurgitation of the Catholic Church crisis, first named with fantastic wit, "The Sins of the Fathers," and now simply referred to as "The Catholic Church Crisis." And I how could I forget about "The Middle East Crisis?"
Although these are all important news stories, I'm becoming depressed realizing the only thing going on in the world are crises.
The Enron Crisis. The Oil Crisis. The Wall Street Crisis.
I watch every minute wondering what crisis will happen next.
So, with nothing but crises happening in the world, I thought of a positive alternative. Just like the Crisis News Network, I will only focus on one aspect of the news at a time, all day, every day.
Because the journalism building is connected to the telecommunications building, I will use my friends help and create the anti-CNN channel. We will cover upbeat stories that don't cause people to go into amnesiac shock and play football with panic attacks.
Instead of constant coverage of "The War on Terror" or "Crisis in the Middle East," we will have constant coverage of the arrival of spring.
"What's happening on the east side of campus today, Mary?"
The television will switch to a split screen, just like CNN, showing Bob in the office and Mary outside with a microphone.
"Well, Bob, the grass is blowing in the slight breeze, but the buds don't seem to be popping up."
"Thanks Mary, we'll come back to you in a few minutes to see if there are any new developments."
And then - all of a sudden, there's a breaking news report.
"Bob, can you hear me? There seems to be a new development. I'm not sure what to think of it yet, but it seems as though the wind is changing direction."
"Mary, can you give us anymore details? Analyze it as much as you can and don't forget to speculate, too."
"Well, Bob, if this southerly wind continues for the rest of the day, it just might make some tree branches sway. My knowledge isn't that vast about wind, although I've lived with it for the past 35 years."
"Mary, keep calm and tell us more later. For now, we'll switch back to the other story - wait, there isn't another news story."
And then anti-CNN will focus on the grass for the rest of the day. There's nothing else going on around campus that is spring-related, so why bother taking any effort on reporting it? Just grass.
C-N-N? Constant Nature Navigation?
Hmpf.
I guess I'll watch with the rest of the country, waiting for the next new crisis to pop up so CNN can take the entire day to mull over it.
Write to Evan at emann@mr-potatohead.com
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