Just when you thought FOX couldn't stoop any lower, "Celebrity Boxing" aired March 13.
That's right, nobody can obtain surprisingly good ratings through humiliating itself like FOX can, with such original programming like pitting celebs against each other in a boxing ring. It sounds like a familiar MTV show.
Out-of-the-spotlight celebrities made the show a success and FOX has expressed interest in following up with a sequel. We've decided to peer into our crystal ball to take a look ahead toward the next Celebrity Boxing matchups.
There are a few rules which must be followed when finding celebrities to box. First they need to be desperate for work. Being desperate includes having to resort to lame commercials for money and are subject to jokes on Leno and Letterman. Also, they must agree to participate as human billboards for online casinos' shameless advertisements. Let's have a good, clean fight.
Pauly Shore vs. Carrot Top
Pauly Shore may be able to weasel his way around his equally (if not more) annoying opponent. As annoying as Carrot Top is, however, he seems just as strong. The fiery red-head would definitely be the heavy favorite in this bout. Pauly will have to watch his back, because many say his fighting style is as bad as his movies. Although Pauly is the underdog, some have faith in him. Many believe he is in a unique position to hurt Carrot Top (a position in which many would love to be).
Carrot Top's experience of punching down the center will come in handy. If victorious, his mom will be happy to find her scrawny son has saved her money by calling collect to chat about the win.
Kriss Kross vs. Hanson
Now that all contenders from both groups have hit puberty, this will make for a good fight. Kriss Kross has the agility and speed from all their experience jumping around on stage. We believe the Hanson brothers will be able to counteract with their ability to "Mmmbop" their opponents. Hanson might even be able to knock Kriss Kross' clothes around 180 degrees, which could effect the outcome of the match.
We wouldn't totally cross out Kris Kross from their chances of winning the fight. We're confident Kriss Kross is thrilled to get in the ring with Hanson. We're so excited in fact they will be sure not to miss the bus. Even though they are outnumbered, we believe Kris Kross will be the mack-daddies of the matchup. Hanson will get the finger - the middle.
Main Event: Punky Brewster vs. Blossom
Punky, straight from the inner city, clearly has the hard edge needed for this battle. With a trainer like Henry, it only adds to her arsenal. Although Blossom is from the suburbs, she has dealt with Joey Lawrence for years and can go head to head with Punky. "Whoa."
Unlike her show, Blossom's only trouble in the ring will be Punky. Of course, all bets are off if Brandon, Punky's dog, decides to jump in to assist. The odds are clearly stacked in Punky's favor, as she is expected to unleash the "Punky Power" on Blossom. Blossom's best friend and confidante, Six, should expect to get an earful between rounds.
To kick it up a notch and give it a pinch of FOX flare, Richard Simmons is set to guest referee for all three bouts. Why Simmons? Because it's FOX, and as their executives would probably say, "Why not?"
Write to Kevin and Mat at Twobsuguys@yahoo.com
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