Best pick-up line ever: "Hey baby, what's your armor class? Can I roll to hit?"
Thursday will mark another Valentine's Day come and gone. Most guys like myself hate Valentine's Day. I used to be like that, but I think I just wanted an excuse to wear my "Chicks Hate Me" T-shirt. The advantage to that shirt was sympathy hugs. Sweet, sweet sympathy hugs.
Really though, I don't care one way or the other for the Hallmark holiday. It doesn't get me all jazzed up, but I'm not too bitter about it, either. If someone wants a reason to spend time with his or her lesser half, I think that's awesome. Just don't give me a candy heart that says, "Page Me." I hate those.
I think a lot of geeks struggle with Valentine's Day because, contrary to popular belief, a "geek" isn't a social monstrosity. We're a perfectly sociable breed; we just exist within our own sub-culture. Unfortunately, it is a subculture heavily populated by males. It can be frustrating to know there are only a small handful of suitable mates for the likes of us. After all, there are a lot of rules.
For example, the woman is going to have to understand "Star Wars." She doesn't have to enjoy it, per se, but she will have to understand it. If a woman can't see the beauty in the tragic downfall of Anakin Skywalker or the symbolism of a setting sun on the Jedi Council, then she can't be terribly romantic. The coolest thing my ex-girlfriend ever did was buy me "Star Wars" Legos.
Along those same lines, a decent geek-woman is going to have to be able to see past the spandex and goofy names in comic books. It doesn't take half a brain to realize Superman represents idealized hope and Batman represents realized justice. Comic book characters are much more akin to Greek and Shakespearean tragic heroes than Power Rangers. Graphic novels contain very profound and intellectual ideas and women need to acknowledge this.
A befitting partner will pursue intellectual growth, such as reading for fun.
The right woman should be willing to play video games. She doesn't have to play "Counter-Strike" or "Marvel vs. Capcom 2," but she had better be willing to get on with some two-player "Dr. Mario" or "Worms: Armageddon." It doesn't matter if she is good at any of these games, because I will let her win. Most of the time.
There are lots of women who meet these standards. Unfortunately, they all live in every city, town and subterranean cave dwelling except for Muncie. That doesn't fly with me. The right woman needs to live close by, because I want to see her more often than I see my dentist.
She's more than welcome to play "Dungeons and Dragons," I guess, but our characters aren't going to fall in love every campaign. And if my character flirts with an elf maiden, it is only because my character has a wisdom score of 6. If she doesn't want to play "D&D" with the guys (whew!) then she'll have to allow me at least two Fridays a month to game.
Lastly, she can't ask me to stop shaving my head. The bald Mouse is the only Mouse. She is more than welcome to rub the cranium, if she feels so inclined. Comparisons to Professor X or Billy Corgan are appreciated. Comparisons to Sinead O'Connor are not.
I realize this is a long list of demands, but I also realize relationships are two-way streets. So, I am willing to compromise: I'll stop eating Milk Duds (the world's most socially unacceptable candy) and I'll only pick my nose in the shower.
Like I said though, I don't let Valentine's Day get to me. Who needs love when I've got a really nifty Boba Fett Pez dispenser?
Write to Ben at bbmcshane@bsu.edu
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