The author and activist Jaclyn Friedman came to Ball State for Women’s Week to tell students how she thinks they can improve their sex life and their community at the same time.
Jaclyn Friedman, author of “How to Get What You Really, Really Want,” defines society’s outlook on sex as a commodity model.
“Women are supposed to withhold sex in order to bribe men into loving us,” Friedman said. “Does everyone feel thoroughly insulted? This is insulting to everyone.”
Friedman said our society has a fetish with female virginity, and whether or not a girl still has hers defines if she is a slut or a prude.
“What am I saving it for? A dude and a diamond,” Friedman said. “As a man, I need to get it and pay as little as possible for it. The men are the buyer in the commodity model.”
She said this model is a big part of why rape is so prevalent in society.
“We normalize sexual assault and we blame it on women for not being a sexual commodity,” Friedman said. “[This] creates a culture, a set of cultural resources, where we let the rapists off the hook and continue raping. Most rapists know what they are doing. They may not call what they are doing ‘rape’ in their heads, but they know that they do not have consent.”
Friedman said the only consent that matters is enthusiastic consent, which she defines as clear, honest communication throughout all sexual contact.
“Consent really is not a light switch; its much more like synchronized swimming,” Friedman said. “In order to be qualified, you must be surrounded and supported by water at all times. In order to have enthusiastic consent with your partner you must be surrounded and supported by consent at all times.”
Kelsey Grogg, a freshman art education major, said she wished more people had come to learn about Friedman’s theories of sexuality and rape.
“I think Ball State should be aware of [rape] and I think we are very shy,” Grogg said. “We know its going on, its not ‘Oh well, nobody’s having sex.’ Obviously people are. I think they should have come and paid more attention to it.”
Friendman said there is a terrible trio that causes guilt about sex: shame, blame and fear.
“If you feel s----y about your sex life in anyway, that is because one of the trio is acting on you,” Friedman said. “Get clear about your personal values. What are your responsibilities and rights? What do you want sex to be for in your life?”
