Ten years ago this upcoming month, Baz Luhrmann's "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" became the title track to life's lessons, courtesy spins on MTV, mainstream radio and even late-night television.
The thoughts were those of Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich, originally published June 1, 1997. She introduced the text as her attempt at a graduation speech she'd never be asked to give, encouraging others over the age of 26 to try it, too:
"Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading," she said.
Her words are way more relevant on the verge of my graduate-level graduation compared to the eighth grade graduation I was up against just a decade ago. In the interest of giving back, I feel compelled to share my life-so-far advice - not to my peers, but to those students who've yet to experience what we all have. Ehhem.
Ladies and gentleman of the incoming class of 2009, wear Ball State T-shirts. If I could offer you one piece of college advice, wearing a Ball State T-shirt would be it. The long-term benefits of school pride and relaxed 50/50 blend casual wear are forever symbols of your tie to the university, whereas the rest of my advice will only leave you wondering what in the hell you're getting into. I will satirically dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the energy and determination of your freshman year. Oh, nevermind. You won't understand the energy and determination of your freshman year until long after you've left the residence halls.
Get pleasure from the residence halls. Get pleasure in the residence halls. Sure, it may seem like a total hassle and lack of privacy now, but you can't get that social interaction in an apartment. That's why it's called an APARTment. Don't move in with your best friend. You'll hate them by the end of it.
Don't waste your time on GPA worries. The real worries in college are apt to be things that never crossed your mind, the type of event that blindsides you after some group project meeting.
Keep your old textbooks; they are a record of what you've learned. Throw out your bank statements; they are a record of what you've lost. Don't blame me if you get audited.
You can redefine education. You cannot redefine kegger.
"Bro" is OK. "Frat" is not. Use "douchebag" at your own risk.
The only way a third of campus would find out about the swine flu is if it's a clue in the Daily News crossword.
Join the high ranks of student leaders so you, too, can take questions from your peers about how "messed up" the crossword puzzle is, or how badly they need Sudoku on page two. Add Sudoku to the Daily News on page two. People will blindly praise you, and then call when it's messed up.
No matter what swag they are offering, do not sign up for a credit card. Those shirts ought to read, "I got stuck in a high-rate APR and massive debt and all I got was this T-shirt."
The dynamite goes boom. Your biggest screw up may be your 15 minutes of fame. No one is immune to a case of fumbleitis.
Things were better when Puerto had margaritas to go.
Bars can get out of business despite "great" management while a pizza place that doesn't take credit cards survives them all. No amounts of washing will remove the stench of self-loathing that comes from paying a cover to get into Dill Street. Fabric softener will get out the cigarette smell.
Learn the lyrics to "Don't Stop Believing."
Get to know your bartenders. They're more fascinating and fun-loving people than you'll ever be. Alcohol or not, you won't remember the best moments in college - you'll just know they occurred.
Be concerned with who goes home with you. Be more concerned with who sees it happen. Do not read gossip Web sites they will only leave you feeling more curious. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Police yourself.
You can have a student center that students never visit.
Live in LaFollette once, but leave before you get a staph infection. Live in the Village once, but leave before you turn 25.
Don't take joyrides with cops.
You can find a more controversial athletic director than a guy named "Bubba."
In the right conditions, your tongue will stick to Frog Baby.
Stop policing yourself. Be comfortable with who you are, and abandon the masks of what you are not. People will love you more when you're most comfortable with yourself.
While you are still wondering what to do with your life, your friends will get real jobs, get married and have kids. Plenty of people don't know what to do with their life at 22. Some don't know what to do with their life at 45. Those people will be your professors. The 22-year-olds are your graduate students next year.
Be careful with the course advice you take and the early classes you agree to. Academics are a side act of college life. Do everything the songs tell you. Ignore everything your freshman adviser tells you. Be wary of upperclassmen dispensing their advice. It's a form of helpful patronization that involves recollection of bad life decisions with a yearning to be back in your shoes again.
Frankly, do whatever the hell you want to do.
But trust me on the Ball State T-shirt.
Will O'Hargan contributed to this column.
Write to Dave at heydave@bewilderedsociety.com
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