As Mother Nature shoves Muncie in the deep freezer - somewhere between the bulk mini-corn dogs and those 500 meatballs left over from your high school graduation - everyone's all atwitter about how miserably cold it is.
It is, in fact, miserably cold.
Listen carefully and you'll notice a trend in phrasing this time of year. Never is anything just "cold," "freezing" or "below seasonal average compared to years past." We have to fuel the internal fires with our similes and anatomically problematic expressions.
Surely in the last few days you've heard someone fall into the trap. Maybe you used one yourself. Observe.
"It's cold as s---/f---/hell outside."
Now, I'd argue most of these things are warm. Hell especially. "It's hot as hell" works, unless your view of hell deviates from that of most - and that's cool. Maybe you think hell is in Alaska. Most Republicans did after the 2008 election. Hell, Mich. - the city, I wasn't just starting off my sentence with it - is also facing some frigid conditions this week. You really need to specify in these cases, however. "It's as cold as Alaska!" Or: "It's cold like Hell, Michigan (48169)!"
"I'm freezing my ass off."
Sure, there are days extremities feel as if they're becoming detached, but that's all just a mindset. No one has really ever lost an ass to the bitter cold, right? I mean, maybe they've lost the chance to *get* ass because of the freezing cold, but never did they literally lose an ass. In order to get clarification on this pressing issue, I spent a few minutes questioning an expert source via phone.
Dave: "Are there any reported cases of anyone freezing their butt off?" (4:22 p.m.)
ChaCha: "We'll have ur answer soon! U can use FastCodes to get answers now! Try FUNMENU for Jokes,Games,Bizarre; INFOMENU for Defs,Weather,Scores; MENU to see 'em all." (4:23:38 p.m.)
Aha! Clearly this one has them fooled. They'll be spending hours on it ...
ChaCha: "No it technically isn't possible. You would be dead from freezing to death before you could freeze your b--- off. ChaCha again! *Make ur friends gag! Txt GQ" (4:23:45 p.m.)
Well, that settles that. No ass freezing! Taking this forward then, we can also eliminate another quotable.
"I'm freezin' my balls off, bro!"
OK, first: No. Second, I'm more mystified when females mutter something like that. "It's cold as balls," they say. Really? Because I don't think you know.
Now, ChaCha makes an excellent point in its textual wisdom. You can freeze to death. Hypothermia is no joke. Frostbite is also a legitimate concern for ears, hands - and I suppose if you're running around naked for extended periods of time - genitalia, too. With temperatures well below freezing and wind chills mirroring our income tax deductions, there's nothing shameful in overdressing for even brief walks about campus.
For the most part I find we college students are smart enough to sacrifice aesthetics for general comfort and well-being. I'm reminded otherwise when I see women running around in fewer total square inches of clothing than what constructs my favorite pair of jeans. A few obligatory public service announcements:
Open-toed shoes will easily earn you a trip to the emergency room. Shelve the 'flops until Spring Break.
Pants fit over shorts. This is by design. Even if you're walking from LaFollette Complex to Irving Gym, don't presume your masculinity will be defended by baring your oversized nylon Tar Heels shorts through the subzero conditions. You never know when there could be a fire drill or, if it's LaFollette, a real fire.
Give up on the exotic hair styles - painful I know - and put on a hat. About 50 percent of your body heat is lost to an uncovered head, a report prepared for the National Heath Care for the Homeless Council said. Don't forget to take off the stickers.
Spare yourself the snowball fights, or at least change clothes if your snow angel party gets a little too involved. The same report said wet clothing causes a 20-fold increase in heat loss from the body.
Soon spring will spread its delightful, partially sunny joy across the brick and grass of the university. We'll return to pedestrian-friendly sidewalks, singing birds and absent ice-polishers. Not this week, though. So bundle up and you'll be cool.
I mean warm ...
... as hell?
Write to Dave at heydave@bewilderedsociety.com
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