Dear Kaye Whitehead,
We would like to thank you, the Delaware County Republican chairwoman, for shining light on Ball State University students and our squirrel-like brains.
Without reading your vociferous, acidic comments you made in The Star Press story about an early-voting site on our campus, we would have never known just how enfeebled we are by our tiny, college-student brains.
In case you forgot, you told The Star Press you were worried about putting an early voting site on campus because you didn't want to "encourage uninformed students to cast ballots."
You then proceeded to express your fears that our weak minds were going to be swayed by such vile temptresses as free hot dogs and T-shirts. Clearly, when we students cast our ballots in November (or is it December? It's hard to remember when your crippled by stupidity) we are going to vote for who gave us the coolest clothing.
Or wait, if we're persuaded by hot dogs, then maybe Carter the Hot Dog Guy should be our president. He has his own T-shirts anyway.
Naysayers are worried the on-campus site would make it easier for Barack Obama and the rest of the Democratic Party to accumulate votes.
Wait, if we're going to be swayed by T-shirts, then why haven't we received any? Kaye, can you make a few calls for us about that one and get us some John McCain T-shirts? We're too uninformed to know how to use a telephone. Text messages would be a different story. We're college students after all.
And once again, we owe you another thank you for your comments.
Our lazy, college-student minds became energized. We're actually learning how to care about the election. Yes, that might be defying all laws of nature, but pretty incredible, isn't it? We're actually ready to vote in something other than "American Idol."
If only we could have had a better location picked out for the voting site. Seriously, it's stuck at the L.A. Pittenger Student Center right between the university and Ball Memorial Hospital - two largest employers in the county - along with the 20,000 of us who will have our votes swayed by freebies. It'll be terrible with the voting center stuck right where everyone can easily get to it during their lunch breaks. Who would use it in a place like that?
Of course, today will be the perfect opportunity for us to show our concern about the elections and early-voting site on campus. Everyone is supposed to meet at 1 p.m. in the Delaware County Building. Do you think any of us will be able to show up? It's pretty tough for us dumb students.
Sincerely,
The Daily News
P.S. We might not be the most reliable when it comes to appearing at the polls, but do you think we could turn that around if we had easier access to voting? Or are we just being dumb again?
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