Wait! Before throwing that cup of green beer in the front yard, get another helping of afternoon delight because, well, St. Patrick's Day comes once a year, and it's a sin against God.
What? When did God encourage binge drinking, and why then isn't Mass one big kegger with Jell-O shots?
Well, it's actually simple: The Catholic Church has now deemed pollution a sin against God. Throwing that innocent plastic cup on the ground might require you to say a couple Hail Marys in order to pass through the pearly gates.
Sorry, we all know you like to drink, and God still loves you, but drinking to get drunk is still looked down upon.
"You offend God not only by stealing, blaspheming or coveting your neighbor's wife, but also by ruining the environment, carrying out morally debatable scientific experiments or allowing genetic manipulations which alter DNA or compromise embryos," Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti, a Vatican official, said.
He also said besides pollution and genetic engineering, drug dealing, abortion, pedophilia, social injustice and extreme wealth were now considered mortal sins. Unlike venial sins, which are minor sins against God, mortal sins must be forgiven through confession to a priest and some sort of penitence.
The original seven deadly sins introduced by Pope Gregory in the sixth century are pride, envy, wrath, sloth, greed, gluttony and lust.
The Vatican rationalized their new interpretation by reasoning that in different times sins manifest themselves in different ways. In other words, people may be committing a mortal sin in a different variation.
For example, driving a car obviously pollutes the environment, which means taking a road trip to Florida for Spring Break is some pretty serious stuff. In fact, all the Ball State University students who went someplace over break, including the Muncie Mall, should consider traveling to confession after class.
Fortunately, Ball State students don't have to worry about the actions of the university, as it is becoming eco-friendly. Perhaps "The Naked Lady" should be draped in a green cloth to symbolize the Ball State's commitment to the environment. Other universities, especially sinful Catholic schools not yet thinking green, should look toward Ball State for guidance.
Let's not forget about genetic engineering, either. Creating vaccines that actually save lives is now considered a mortal sin, sending all the scientists and doctors straight to the fiery lake of sulfur. Sorry to inform everybody that trying to help people suddenly constitutes a sin against humanity.
But wait, isn't being extremely wealthy a mortal sin, also? How can a sinner possible confess to the church, which is by no means standing on a street corner begging for change? The finances of the Vatican are difficult to gauge, though, because the Church has multiple sources of income.
The point is this: The modern interpretation of the seven deadly sins is ridiculous. These so-called mortal sins are not new to humanity, but have been around for ages. It's illogical that a council, or a person for that matter, can instantaneously decide that pollution, genetic engineering, drug dealing, abortion, pedophilia, social injustice and extreme wealth are mortal sins. Isn't that God's job?
Nonetheless, don't throw away that plastic cup filled with green beer. Neither St. Patrick nor Al Gore would like it, the Pope might condemn you to Hell next to Judas, Brutus and Cassius, and most of all, you'd be destroying the environment.
Write to Neal atnecoleman@bsu.edu
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