Two weeks ago, Brady Hoke sent a campus-wide e-mail thanking students for their support and attendance in the home opener against Miami University. Not only did this establish the rising likability of the team, it also helped bring more clarity to an athletics department that is in shambles. So after that loving e-mail from Hoke, I got to thinking how e-mails from others in the athletics department might look.*As a disclaimer, these are only done for the sake of humor; none of these e-mails are actually real. I tend to forget about the lack of common sense on this campus at times.
Women's volleyball coach David Boos Some may say I'm overly optimistic and sugar coating the situation when dealing with a team that is 0-13 in its last 13 games. To that, I say - turn that frown upside down. I'm trying to look on the bright side of our players not looking like they're drunk during matches. Just as an FYI, please stop with the puns on my last name, it's killing my happy chi. P.S. Anyone have Randy Litchfield's number?
Men's basketball coach Billy Taylor It looks as if all the smiling and meet-and-greet sessions won't keep my players out of trouble, so I will have to move onto bigger ways of impressing the public without ever coaching a game yet. So, for every player that gets into trouble with the law until the season starts, I will kiss 100 babies, build a Habitat for Humanity house and adopt a child from a third-world country. If one of my players is convicted of a felony before or during the season, I promise to cure a viral disease that is plaguing mankind.
Former men's basketball coach Ronny Thompson Could someone ask Billy Taylor if he's seen some of my "paperwork" lying near or around his office door? He won't return my calls or e-mails...something about saving mankind one smile at a time.
Athletics Director Tom Collins Hey, how about that football team? Yeah, let's keep all of our focus on the football team and try not to pay too much attention to the other sports. They don't matter much right now anyway; it's football season!...right? Dear God, please don't let anyone from the football team get arrested, I can't afford another mark on the athletics department. Did I just type that or think it? Enjoy the football season Cardinals fans; I have to get back to work on my resume.
Women's basketball coach Tracy Roller Please don't wait for our team to go 18-0 before making it to home games. Support us from the beginning, because we proved last season that we deserve respect. We're also not getting into constant trouble like our male counterparts, except for that one little DUI from a former player, with the keyword being "former." Our ladies are standout athletes and students, mainly because I don't let them talk to the women's volleyball team.
Write to Ryan at rjsmith@bsu.edu
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