I tend to think of myself as someone with a unique personality. That unique personality, however, includes an undying love for sports, everything 80s - especially Journey - and an ability to dominate board games. Shockingly enough, this does not translate very well when it comes to picking up the ladies.
For whatever reason, the best course of action seemed to be to dive into the belly of the beast when it comes to dating: online.
I suppose people resort to this for a couple reasons. One, the person is extremely shy and finds it difficult to talk to a member of the opposite sex. Well, I fall into that category ... unless I've just pounded five jager bombs in a half-hour span.
Two, you can only take so many "I just want to be friends" lines before you start to question your techniques. Am I a bad kisser? Am I terrible in the sack? Do I lack depth perception and have a boring personality?
Three, the online dating world is a melting pot for desperate people who are looking for love. Well, maybe not love. Maybe more like what the band Poison was thinking when they sang, "I want action tonight. Satisfaction all night!" And where is the largest collection of desperate people looking for a quick fix? Cyberspace, my friend. Let the games begin.
For this adventure, I decided to go against the recommendations of Dr. Phil and hit up eHarmony.com.
I was somewhat intrigued by the possibility that there's someone within a 120-mile radius that shares a lot of my personality traits - and, possibly desperation. I mean, after all, according to the main page there's "three women for every two men." And sometimes for every man there's two women, and I like to call that "the jackpot."
After filling out just short of 400 questions - and spending nearly two hours doing it - I was ready to hit the final button and meet my future wife and/or hook-up partner. After hitting the button and waiting for eHarmony to retrieve my matches, the screen popped up with: "There are no matches for you at this time." You have got to be kidding me!
Well, a few days passed and finally I got an e-mail. They have matched me with somebody. Woohoo! That enthusiasm, however, didn't last for long. I'd been hooked up with a girl named "Nicki," a 28-year-old nursing student who lives in Fort Wayne. She makes it very clear she loves cats. I try not to stereotype, but the words "not cute" run through my head.
The first part of communication is called First Questions. There's a list of 50-plus questions you choose from and then pick five. I selected:
1. Which of the following scenarios would make you more nervous?
2. On Saturday night, would you rather go to:
3. Your idea of a romantic time would be:
4. Financially, how would you characterize yourself?
5. How often do you find yourself laughing?
Personally, I would like to ask more intriguing questions like "Do you enjoy the music of Creed?" because the answer explains an awful lot about who you are.
So she answers the questions, and then fires five back of her own. They were:
1. When going somewhere:
2. Which sort of date sounds like the most fun to you?
3. What's your philosophy on travel?
4. Are pets an important part of your life?
5. What are your body-type preferences for your mate?
Once I saw the "pet" question, I rolled my eyes. I knew this was going to be the key question. Do I answer honestly? Or do I lie so that she'll continue talking to me? Instead I took the middle ground and chose C) I don't own pets but I don't mind them either. Which is a lie.
One of the keys to eHarmony's Personality Profile is that everything is based on just that and not looks, so you don't get to see her picture. Time to cheat.
I had my friend Alicia, who goes to St. Francis University (nursing major, I just assumed Nicki went there), look at her profile. Nicki's profile picture has two cats in it. The words she typed after looking at the pictures said it all: "Yup, this isn't good, Phil." She sent me a few pictures and yes, she was not cute at all.
The other girl I was set up with was a 36-year-old bookkeeper-¡- and recovering alcoholic-named "Marcy." Come on! They set me up with a cat lover and an ex-drunk. Fantastic, eHarmony, you really know my personality well. I never even got to the question stage with Marcy, as she decided to "close the match" because "the difference in age between us is too great."
Clearly, eHarmony does not know my personality at all. The site set me back $60 and it served no purpose whatsoever. Maybe Dr. Phil was right. Match.com could possibly be the place where I will find that special someone. Time to create a brand new profile there.
Phil Friend is a journalism graduate student and writes "'Phil'osophy" for the Daily News. His views do not necessarily agree with those of the newspaper.
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