People are being infected by a food-borne pathogen and government agencies are unable to isolate it. The disease, first thought to be spread through a leafy green vegetable, perhaps spinach or lettuce, is soon found to be also spreading via other produce - possibly tomatoes. The government is helpless to stop what could become a pandemic, because the infectious disease cannot be traced to any specific product, restaurant or supermarket chain.
No, faithful television junkies, CBS did not suddenly renew canceled sci-fi series "Threshold."
But, alas, according to recent news reports, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are having a difficult time reigning in a new salmonella outbreak, in events eerily similar to those television brought us only a year ago. Our best scientists are unable to track exactly where the threatening vegetables have come from. Now they're assembling a crack list of potential terrorist cells which could be responsible. And tomatoes top that list.
No, J. Stephen Peace, you shouldn't start paging your agent, hoping for a chance to produce "Killer Tomatoes Eat Manhattan!" If what the CDC says is true, there are already enough people suffering from nausea, vomiting and headache.
And no, Joe Six Pack, now is not the time to hunt down your poor vegan friend and force-feed him rare steaks in order to save his life. Remember, bovine spongiform encephalopathy is waiting for you, even if you manage to sneak past the weak salmonella threat to near the line of scrimmage.
The truth is, now that we're ensconced in our nation's war on terrorism, we've got a whole new evil to take aim upon. No, it's not Iraq or Korea. Even the Department of Homeland Security will say it's not illegal immigration from Mexico. The CDC wants us to worry about our very food being used against us as a weapon of mass destruction.
They're not saying that in so few words, but we all know actions speak louder, right?
Fact. Just four short weeks ago, America was attacked from within by the insidious evil known as fresh spinach. Or, should I say, the insidious evil of fecal matter. The unsuspecting leafy vegetable was reportedly taken by surprise when some farmer decided to allow his animals to "do their business" in the fields rather than use chemical fertilizer, thus leading to the poisoning of Americans across the nation via the E. coli bacteria. "When will those farmers learn?" you may have thought. "We can't have cows crapping willy nilly, damn it, you'll destroy us all!"
It couldn't be that simple though, could it? Could the friendly little leaf of spinach have truly been the threat, hiding its evil in plain sight where no God-loving American would ever notice?
George W. Bush seems to think so. In 2002, he signed the Bioterrorism Preparedness and Response Act, which - among other things - enables the government, under the close personal inspections of Dick Cheney, to torture any leafy green vegetable, as long as there's plenty of evidence that the vegetable is part of a terrorist plot. Or that it at least said something disparaging about Bush's mother.
Like Bush said in a speech for the National Endowment for Democracy last October: "We don't know the course of our own struggle ... or the sacrifices that might lie ahead. We do know, however, that ... the cause of freedom will once again prevail."
In other words: can't we all sacrifice a few leafy greens if it means freedom for every American child?
That's easier said than done, however, for those Americans who still miss their Popeye spinach. What, you ask, are everyday Americans to do? Can this war on jihadist vegetables be won in our lifetime?
Sadly, without a second season of Threshold, the world may never know.
Jonathan Sanders is a senior journalism major and writes 'Turning A Blind Eye' for the Daily News. His views do not necessarily agree with those of the newspaper.
Write to Jonathan at jonathansanders@justice.com
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