Scientology has recently found itself on the receiving end of an onslaught of public scrutiny. From Tom Cruise's public stance against doctor-prescribed antidepressants to the resignation of Isaac Hayes from his role as Chef on "South Park," the religion founded in the 1950s by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard is truly under fire.
In an effort to gain more understanding on the subject, I decided to opt against my usual methods of researching column topics - which consist largely of Google searches involving the word "booger" followed by long sessions of intense napping - in favor of consulting an actual, real journalistic source.
While doing so, I came across Janet Reitman's Rolling Stone article titled "Inside Scientology." The article was the issue's spotlight piece and offered readers a daunting 13,000-word report on the history and dogmatic ideals of Scientology.
Unfortunately, the Scientology piece coincided with an in-depth profile on pop hero Clay Aiken, so I didn't get a chance to read it.
I did, however, look at the pictures. And - needless to say - I think I get it.
So what is Scientology? Well, let's start with the name. Some of you might be thinking, as I did, that it sounds a bit like contrived gibberish that attempts to put an intellectual spin on a non-intellectual practice - sort of like how I smack myself repeatedly in the face with a frozen fish and call it Academitivity.
This couldn't be further from the truth. When the word is broken down into its Latin origins, we see Scientology's true meaning emerge: The suffix "ology" means the study of, and the root word "scient" means, of course, "silly rich people."
The church of Scientology, you see, charges heavily for nearly all of its services. There is no way to advance one's status within the church without paying for it. This would be akin to charging a Catholic for confession or a Muslim extremist for going on a suicide mission.
And as for my claim that Scientology is silly? Well, that's merely my opinion. Your right to believe that your body possesses the primordial spirit of a alien being that millions of years ago was exiled to Earth by an evil space war-lord named Xenu is just as constitutionally protected as anyone else's religious beliefs in this country.
It does strike me as ironic, however, that the church of Scientology takes such a strong stance against psychiatry and doctor-prescribed medications when so many of its doctrines seem to be founded in maniacal delusions.
Take, for instance, The Bridge to Total Freedom. The Bridge is a symbol for the stages that a Scientologist must take to get from a "Wog," or non-member, to OT VIII, which is the highest level a member can reach - at which point, he has supposed psychic control over matter, energy, space and time.
In order to save money, Scientologists outsourced the building of the Bridge to Total Freedom to a group of Mexican immigrants in the mid-1970. And, as penance for being the only people who ever crossed the bridge without paying the church for the service, the immigrants were promptly turned into monkeys whose job it is to protect the bridge from "unworthy" members by throwing wooden barrels at them as they cross it.
Okay, so I made that last paragraph up - but you have to admit, it fits.
But maybe, instead, you're thinking I'm being too harsh. Maybe you're thinking Scientologists have every right to search for their own meaning in life. Maybe you're thinking every religion has parts that sound silly to outsiders.
Well, I've got a great counterpoint to that argument, one that will knock your socks off and make you want to agree with me.
And if any of you would like to hear it, I'd be more than happy to tell you - for the low, low price of $500.
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