Flatulence, (noun) Middle French: The presence of excessive gas in the digestive tract.
Git-R-Done, (interjection) Redneck: A half-assed gimmick of an expression coined and used by thick-skulled morons who are otherwise unable to articulate the feeling they get before an M-80 goes off in an outhouse or after their buddy finishes bonging a PBR.
Once one is familiar with these terms, the only step he has left is to haphazardly combine them for 89 minutes until the script for "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector" naturally emerges.
Is it really that easy? Well, actually, no. The formula described above is only 100 percent effective when writing a Larry the Cable Guy stand-up routine.
In order to maximize his sense of humor's effectiveness for the silver screen, a straight man will most likely be employed to accentuate the zany and wacky nature of Larry's flatulating-while-saying-Git-R-Done antics - as evidenced by the following scene that I've transcribed from the movie's previews:
Larry: Fart, fart, Git-R-Done. Fart, Git-R-Done.
Restaurant Owner: Can you believe this guy? He's crazy!
Larry: Git-R-Done. Git-R-Done. Fart, fart, fart.
And yet, for all its trite forays into the most clich+â-¬d and base-level arenas of humor, it remains my humble prediction that "Health Inspector" will top out the box office in sales after its release Friday.
Now, you might be tempted to ask yourself why any of this would be funny enough to shell out $7.50 on a movie ticket in addition to sacrificing the 1.5 hours of your Friday night to experience it. After all, if you hang out with at least one guy on even a semi-regular basis, you've probably already fulfilled your quota of this style of humor for the rest of your life.
So what gives Larry the Cable Guy the right to charge an admission fee for the same flatulence that your best friend would gladly deliver free of charge? Duh! Larry wears a sleeveless flannel shirt and a funny hat with a fish hook in it.
Sleeveless! Whew, my sides!
And here I was thinking that with the millions upon millions of dollars Larry has made from comedy tour, book, album and DVD sales that he might have enough to scrounge up a decent seamstress to take care of that for him - maybe even buy a whole new shirt.
But if he did that, people would start to catch on. Larry the Cable Guy is not blue collar and has never been a cable guy. His name isn't even Larry, for god's sake. His real name is Dan Whitney and he was born in Nebraska, which may be rural but it is hardly the south. His accent is affected and he has a college education. Everything about him is an exaggeration of a fabrication.
Now, this is nothing new in show business. A lot of acts are grounded in the adoption of a persona, stage name or other fallacy. But by and large, these acts contain an element of truth that Whitney seems to be shrouding in secrecy. The fact that most of his fans are unaware of his true identity, and life outside of "Larry" seems to suggest that he is protecting himself from a potential backlash.
After all, telling a redneck that Larry the Cable Guy doesn't exist would be the psychological equivalent to telling a five-year-old the truth about Santa Clause. And since, psychologically, rednecks and five-year-olds are on the same plane, the consequences could be dire.
"Sure Larry the Cable Guy don't exist, Slick. And what's next? Pro wrestlin' ain't real?"
As the box office numbers will undoubtedly prove come this weekend, ignorance truly is bliss. Git-R-Done!
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