"Y'all ain't ready.
I should be saying
Keep my damn name out of your mouth,
but you people keep increasin'
my change amount."
What. The. Hell?
No, seriously, if someone could explain to me just what that means, I'll gladly buy them a Coke, maybe even lunch if the elaboration is Saran Wrap clear.
The above lyrics are the opening lines to Kevin "K-Fed" Federline's rap single, "Y'all ain't ready," which had a 50-second clip recently released on - then removed from - producer Disco D.'s Web site, as listeners probably couldn't handle the awesomeness that is K-Fed.
But in all seriousness, there really need to be laws or rules against releasing what K-Fed did. It's too easy to be a rapper nowadays, as K-Fed demonstrates.
What? Y'all don't know who K-Fed is?
You must be straight tripping.
K-Fed is Britney Spears' husband and her baby daddy - a very disheveled, unkempt and ignorant looking one, but a baby daddy nonetheless. K-Fed used to be a dancer for Spears in her videos and on tour, but now he's using her money to finance his soon-to-be-released rap album, "The Truth," which will feature "Y'all Ain't Ready."
Go to Stereogum.com to give it a listen, but I thoroughly apologize in advance for it sucking. I'm talking Houston Texans-style sucking.
A plethora of reasons come to mind as to why his music is napalm to my ears, and they can all be summed up in a set of rules, which anyone must follow in order to become a rapper.
And I believe Federline breaks every single one of them.
First and foremost, the wannabe rapper has to come from a hard-knock background, where gang life forced him to walk a jagged path until he was 15 years old. Then he finds a woman who sets him straight until his gang kicks him out for actually having feelings other than hate, which in turn leads him to express himself through lyrics instead of stooping to his former club's level. Oh, and this all takes place in Compton, Calif.
Federline, however, grew up Fresno County, Calif., which can only be considered hard knock to those who grew up Stanford, Conn.
To add to the tough background, a catchy alias that has nothing to do with your actual name must be concocted. 50-Cent's real identity, Curtis Jackson, is far from what the public knows him as, and the name Eminem isn't anywhere near Marshall Mathers.
Federline breaks this rule as well, using his first initial and a part of his last name to complete his rap moniker. Clever, very clever.
The third rule that must be followed is even though K-Fed impregnated Spears, she must not know who the baby daddy is, and Federline should have been at least one state away after the baby was born. Clearly, this was not the case, which unfortunately saves Spears an entertaining trip to the Maury Show.
There is one final rule that must be abided by, and it's another one K-Fed broke. The wannabe rapper must have taken a bullet at some point in his or her life. It's a huge shot in the arm to street credibility and gives the rapper plenty to sing about.
Follow those four simple rules, unlike K-Fed, and even you can be a successful rap artist. Lyrical and musical talent will come with time, don't worry - they haven't always been factors for selling rap albums, anyway.
Write to Ryan at rjsmith@bsu.edu
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