It's out there.
It's waiting for you to pick up your phone at 4 a.m. Friday night. It's watching the girl watching the guy she's with watching the other girl, who is wearing too much eye makeup and dancing on the coffee table.
It's everywhere. And it's ready to strike at any time. Drama.
We say we hate it. We say we loathe it. And if we're guys, we mean it. However, the question I am left with after carefully weighing the subject in my mind (between naps) is this: Where would we be without it?
I mean, without drama, sure, occasionally that girl who leaves a campus building and flips open her cell phone - to find out why, if Brian liked her so much, he would spend all night talking to that slut at Jake's party - actually bumps into a new person who - with the advantages of daylight and sobriety on her side - she can now recognize is a lot better for her than Brian was to begin with.
But all that would really do is rid her of the wasted minutes of her life and phone contract that went into exhausting every name in her phone - except for Brian's, because that would seem clingy - to achieve an answer that might somehow be more satisfying than the hard truth that "maybe he's just not that into you," which her friends aren't even telling her because it makes her feel better when they just call him a jerk.
Well, that's no fun! That's just a bunch of meeting new people and not focusing on yourself ... bo-ring!
I know a lot of you might read the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, which defines drama as "a state, situation or series of events involving interesting or intense conflict of forces."
Well, I read a different dictionary. My dictionary was written - and illustrated - by MTV, which defines drama a bit more simply: "$$$"
This is the sole credit I will ever give MTV for anything outside of being the only organization that has done more to single-handedly molest the integrity of modern music than anyone else: The station knows its audience.
MTV knows we treat drama like it's the last apple fritter in a box of Krispy Kremes.
Oh, we say we don't want it, that it's unnecessary, that we've already had two apple fritters, and we know they're bad for us. But just try not imagining the demise of that bastard who lets willpower get the best of him and steals the frittery delight right from under our noses. And you were just about to say, "Well, I suppose I could wrap it up and take it to my sister on the way home," while the whole time you were secretly planning on eating it in the car - yeah, I know your tricks, you liar.
Secretly, we do want drama as much as we wanted that fritter.
We want to see shallow, stupid girls fighting over shallow, stupid guys - and if possible, we'd also like them all to be in bathing suits. You can't blame MTV for cutting through the formalities and handing it to us on a cold, yet familiar, silver platter.
But why are the ones who mention disliking drama the most usually the ones who spend the most time talking about drama?
We've all heard, "I am so not inviting Vanessa to my party. All she ever does is cause drama! Plus, I know she'll just flirt with Brian and, like, I know he's a jerk and everything, but I still like Brian. But I'd totally love to invite her just to see what slutty outfit she wears."
I've never really been able to figure out the paradox. I usually just offer these people the last apple fritter and hope eating it will shut them up.
Write to Lance at lmvillancou@bsu.edu
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