Taking kegs from Muncie takes heart from parties.Kegless. Muncie is kegless. What’s next? McDonald’s is discontinuing the Big Mac? Michael Bolton is going to stop making relentlessly crappy music? Between these three scenarios, I don’t know which sounds more ridiculous. The concept of a college town without kegs sounds a lot like watching a Quentin Tarrantino movie that’s been edited for television: Sure, if you use your imagination, you’ll still have a story, but the authentic flavor becomes stale in the absence of excessive violence and multiple instances of jaw-droppingly offensive language. So don’t tell me there is still beer left in bottles and cans. We both know it’s just not the same. They’ve castrated the soul of the Ball State University house party. A keg party is an experience. It’s an event. Things happen at keg parties that don’t happen anywhere else. If kegs are eliminated, what about the number of other party staples that will vicariously share the same fate? What about:1) The House Cup: The much coveted — and usually obscenely large — cup from the cabinet of the keg-buyer’s home that magically grants its holder the right to cut everyone in line. 2) Kitchen Crowds: The sweaty mass of bodies that cluster like drones on a queen bee around an ill-placed keg that has been propped up in the corner of a room with one entrance and no exits in order to save space for dancing in the living room. 3) Tap Loiterer: The guy who volunteers to man the tap pump past his turn, making pouring easier for the people next in line. Is he there to meet people or to sneak in extra drinks when no one’s looking? One thing is for sure: He’s creepy. 4) Keg Stands: In short, the greatest friend communicable disease has ever known.I’ve digressed a bit because I have no attention span, but there is a more serious point to be made about this. If 14 liquor stores can all agree to stop selling kegs, 14 liquor stores could have agreed to compete within a higher price range to increase “low” profit margins. The fact that they didn’t do this leads me to believe that social motivations played a much bigger part in the decision. And I can grant that by freezing keg sales, Muncie liquor stores might aid in the curbing of parties that have a higher tendency to get out of control. The problem is, I’m failing to ascertain just why the burden of “college party control” should rest on the shoulders of Muncie’s liquor stores in the first place. Call me old-fashioned, but I always thought the primary job of a liquor store should be to sell liquor. Actually, I thought this was the only reason they existed. “Party control” responsibilities should lie with the of-age people who buy the liquor, student awareness programs, the police and the occasional fire hose. Remember the liquor store in town that had a tacky cartoon of a cardinal pounding a beer painted on the front of its walls? One might be confused into thinking it was a cheap gimmick designed to entice Ball State students looking to party, but I guess now it will have to be replaced with something more positive — like Charlie Cardinal curling up on his recliner in a flannel knit bathrobe with a pint of Moose Tracks and a favorite episode of Newlyweds on tape. Pushing alcohol to students is pushing alcohol to students. There’s no reason to pretend that there is a “better” way. The liquor stores might as well just charge more for the kegs and make it worth their while. Well, I’m going to go enjoy my Big Macs ... while they last.
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