Disclaimer: All of the names I use in this article belong to real human beings. No names have been changed to protect the innocent, unfortunately.
It’s fairly common knowledge that celebrities give their children some pretty odd names. However, before you roll your eyes at the latest starlet plucking a nonsense word out of the bowels of the dictionary, take a look at what some of the regular joes out there are doing to their children.
I’d much prefer celebrity baby names Apple, Moxie, Rumer or Denim to some of the strange, outlandish and downright cruel names with which an increasing number of non-celebrity parents are burdening their offspring. Trust me, Ripley’s Believe it or Not has nothing on these kids.
Assume you are the manager of a Mexican restaurant and are interviewing two candidates for sous-chef. Who would you hire, Blandino or Spicer? Which car-detailing professional should you recruit to wax your car, Dulley or Sparkling? Could a junior high algebra teacher named Rage McMathtrik possibly be any good?
Some troubling modern names involve overly descriptive monikers and the conflicting expectations they produce. The cuddly infant named Beautiful or Cutie may grow into the spitting image of a warthog. Similarly, little Preshus Heavenleigh Angel might be doomed to a lifetime of delinquency and crass mannerisms, just as newborn Pagan could certainly become a Christian televangelist to rival Billy Graham. Some names may end up being completely accurate, as in the regrettable case of Appalacious Denise — who will surely become Kentucky’s most famous stripper.
Perhaps one of the most disturbing trends in contemporary name giving has to do with “branding;” that is, giving your child the name of an advertised product. Imagine trying to keep a straight face if you read the following roll call for the class of 2020: “Pepsi Jones, Lexus Williams, Espn McGee, Dior Smith, Gucci Johnson,” and so on. It’s only a matter of time until a bright-eyed Starbucks emerges from the womb.
In my opinion, the only branding that needs to go on in this case involves a hot iron on the parents’ backsides for turning their children into shameless advertisements for the rest of their lives.
Notice, of course, that most of these names are so utterly ridiculous that they make many ethnically derived names seem downright boring. Many black people, for instance, compose names for their children with the intention of producing something completely unique; thus, kids are called DonTrey Ty’Quavious or SharQuesha Ma’Ayzia or something similar. And since concoctions like these are perfectly acceptable within their cultural sphere, and little Jennifer or Jason would be the odd one there, these names are hardly bad. Poor Blambi, on the other hand, probably won’t be able to find a cultural niche in which she neatly fits.
Then, of course, there are The Simply Terrible Names, like Killer (“pronounced Ky-ler” claim the parents), like Dwayno, like Latrina or like Aryan Justice — and, yes, there’s a real child with that name. I’m all for freedom, including the freedom to name one’s spawn what one wishes, but isn’t it becoming obvious that this freedom is being brazenly abused?
Oh, that reminds me, Brayzenleigh is a pretty awful (but real) name, too.
On a positive note, in my research, I have happened upon a truly lovely name which I’m planning to use in the future. Seraphina Morningstar is a name that’s just perfect ... for a cat.
Write to Marie at
mmzatezalo@bsu.edu
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