Last week in Florida, two shark attacks were reported within three days of each other on two of the panhandle's most popular beaches. These figures, coupled with other recent attacks, have gripped many summer swimmers with an irrational fear of the ocean. In order to help quell them and promote a healthier awareness of sharks, I have invited special guest columnist Norman the Shark to lend his expertise on the subject. So without further ado, Norman the Shark:
Hi everybody, I'm Norman the Shark. Listen, I've been a shark for over twenty-six years now, and its always the same thing with you people: "Ah! A shark! Run for your lives!"
It's embarrassing.
But what do you do if you see a dolphin? "Oh look! A cute, friendly, lovable dolphin." Screw dolphins! Have you ever been to the Zoo? They aren't exactly doing all those tricks for Caesar Salads, are they? Of course not, because Dolphins are carnivores, too. They eat fish; we eat fish. So, why are we the ones with the bad rap?
The media. That's why. The media distorts people's images of sharks, making us out to be these mindless, blood-crazed zombies of the sea that are hungry for nothing but the flesh of humans.
What a load of hooey.
Don't flatter yourselves. Humans taste like crap.
Furthermore, you're seasonal. Actually, sharks eating humans during the summer is much the equivalent of humans drinking eggnog around Christmas time. Most people don't really like eggnog, but once every year or two, if the time is right, they'll have a glass. Same thing with us sharks eating you morons. The only difference is, you having a glass of eggnog isn't going to make front page news on the next day's paper. Damn Media.
And how come every movie about Sharks is in the Horror Section of the movie store? The man's trying to keep us down, that's why! You create and perpetuate your little stereotypes with your Hollywood blockbusters like Jaws, Deep Blue Sea and Open Water, which make us out to be horrible monsters.
Meanwhile, as I write this, there are five knuckleheads in a 30-foot fishing boat off the coast of Singapore tossing a bucket of chum over the starboard while dangling a blood-soaked tuna carcass from a 10-pound hook rigged to a machine-powered pulley system that's just the push of a button away from luring in one of my soon-to-be-dead friends whose teeth are all a boat-ride away from being plucked out and sold to tourists on cheap necklaces for five bucks a pop. Oh yeah, we're the monsters.
And while sharks get pinned with all the violence and lawyer references, who gets all the praise? Who gets to be "Flipper?" The dolphins, that's who. Well, screw dolphins, screw Flipper and screw you, too. Dolphins aren't intelligent; they're the idiots of the sea. And they're mean.
Sure, there are the shameless few who befriend humans and learn to do dog tricks at Sea World for hand-outs, but don't be fooled. Most dolphins would just as likely to gnaw off your face, shoot it out their blowhole and see how many times they can make that annoying chattery laugh before it lands splashing back in the water as they would be to let you so much as touch them.
Don't let the media fool you. I am not an animal. I'm a fish. It's a technicality, yes, but hear me out. Dolphins are stupid and mean, and sharks are docile and intelligent -- not the other way around. Sharks are innocent victims, and humans are dangerous killers -- not the other way around.
"Attack" seems so harsh. We prefer to call the recent events "playful aggressions," but if knowing that still isn't enough to ease your mind while swimming at the beach this summer, just remember: always wear an extra coat of Banana Boat's coconut tanning oil. We sharks find that it tastes nothing like sweet, delicious frosting slathered all over your salt-water marinated body. Eat you, I mean, see you later.
Love, Norman.
Write to Lance at
lmvaillancou@bsu.edu
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