In an endless quest to stay one step behind the dizzying pace that MTV spews forth with its nonstop barrage of progressively crappier television shows, the production staff at VH1 has actually managed to find an undiscovered orifice on a yak in Nova Scotia from which they've pulled their latest steaming contribution to reality television: "Hogan Knows Best."
So why would VH1 choose Terry "Hulk" Hogan and his family for an "Osbournes" knock-off? Well to begin, for those of you out there who are only familiar with the Hulk through his distinguished performances in such classic films as "Suburban Commando," "Mr. Nanny" and the regularly-canceled television series "Thunder in Paradise," you'll be surprised to learn that he initially made a name for himself not in the acting world but in the world of -- brace yourselves -- professional wrestling.
I was shocked, too.
As a matter of fact, by properly marketing his over-charismatic personality and golden skull-capped mullet, Mr. Hogan almost single-handedly transformed the audience of professional wrestling audience from a small cult following of dirty rednecks in the early 1980s to the much, much larger cult following of dirty rednecks that we are familiar with today. He, thereby, played a huge role in pioneering the once-underground sport into the testosterone-fueled male soap opera that is now an unfortunate part of all of our realities. I don't know about you, but I say a little prayer to thank Hogan for this before I go to bed every night.
Still not convinced that the Hulk is a worthy candidate for a reality show? Well, let me just clue you in on some other noteworthy achievements on Terry Hogan's stat sheet:
1. He is the godfather of the following personal catch phrases: "Git 'R Done," "You might be a redneck if," "Do you smell what the Rock is cooking?" and a slew of other corny verbal gimmicks, which may have never seen the light of day had it not been for Hulk Hogan's famous rhetorical question "Wha'cha gonna do when the Hulk comes for you?" The purpose of this inquiry was to somehow intimidate his opponents by making them anticipate what they might do when the time came to face Hogan in a wrestling ring. As it happened, the answer, though it was almost always the same -- "Well, I'm going to try to wrestle you until I can pin you to the mat for three seconds, then take your belt away, of course" -- was never quite as flashy as the question itself.
2. At age 52, he has now maintained that insanely deep suntan for at least three consecutive decades. No wonder he's still huge. He must know that when he stops working out, he's going to look like a giant, deflated football.
3. Did I mention he was in "Mr. Nanny"? Because he was. And I'm not talking cameo or supporting role; I'm talking lead, baby. Lead.
And what about the other Hulks -- Mrs. Hulk and the little Hulks? What is so significant about them that necessitates their involvement in the show? Are they talented, unique and special people? Well, if being genetically related to Hulk Hogan is a talent, then they are literally crapping talent every day.
But if there is one thing that watching "The Osbournes" or listening to an Ashlee Simpson CD has taught us, it is that talent isn't hereditary. That is why the only memorable impression that "The Osbournes" left was one of a family who frequented rehab centers with such casual regularity that they might as well have been dentist appointments, and that is why Ashlee Simpson was driven to lip-synch on SNL when she realized her out-of-studio voice rivaled only the vocal prowess of William Heung ... at best.
And that is why the Hogans -- although the daughter is hot, the mother used to be (and dresses like she thinks she still is) and the son likes to wear hats -- are probably best left out of the limelight. Still, somehow, I get the feeling one of them will walk out of this with a record deal.
Wha'cha gonna do?
Write to Lance at
lmvaillancou@bsu.edu
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