"Friends with benefits," like Communism, looks good on paper but has the tendency to unravel once employed with real people. However great in theory, it seems that someone always comes out hurt in the end. After stumbling upon an article in the New York Times archives regarding this casual form of a "relationship," I decided to ask a variety of Ball State students what makes friends with benefits so appealing ... besides the obvious.
To clarify, "friends with benefits" is a pseudo-relationship where two friends decide that they will be "hooking up" on a regular basis, or whenever their libido calls for it. Many times, this occurs after a couple has broken up but does not want to let go of certain aspects of that relationship. The whole point of this arrangement is to avoid the complications of being in a committed relationship. However, there is the unwritten rule that you are only going to have one "friend" of this type. It is considered bad form to have more than one "friend with benefits." Call me crazy, but that sounds like commitment to me.
At this point in our lives, there are several reasons college students would want to avoid a serious relationship. When asked for some of those reasons, an overwhelming majority said that a busy schedule and lack of time made the thought of getting into a relationship seem, at the very least, daunting. Between papers, projects and tests, the thought of having to factor another person into their already hectic schedule is more than most students are willing to deal with.
The second most popular answer came from those who had been around the relationship bend and didn't care to take a second trip. Break-ups are never an enjoyable experience, and it is understandable that those who have been seriously burned may be wary of entering Relationshipville again. However, everyone interviewed admitted that, though they might not want to put in the time or the emotions, the physical aspect of a relationship was still appealing. As one Ball State student put it, "Sometimes people just need some lovin', even if it isn't real love." It seems that acquiring a friend, with all the benefits, presents the perfect solution. No muss. No fuss. Right? Well, not exactly.
There are always exceptions, but, usually, when two people decide to enter into an "emotion-free," purely physical relationship, only one of them is keeping their side of the bargain. More commonly it seems that one person is actually aiming for a meaningful relationship (or salvage an old one) but settling as a "friend with benefits" because it is the only option available to them with that particular person. In a "friends with benefits" situation, it would seem that only half of the party is benefiting. The other half is waiting around with the hope that somehow, between the various "hook ups," their "friend" will suddenly come to their senses, realize that they actually do have feelings for their "buddy" and decide that, yes, they do want to be in a committed relationship. This is usually the point when someone gets hurt. But wait, wasn't the whole point of the arrangement to avoid that?
We're all busy. We've all been hurt by past relationships. Yet, keeping someone around purely for sexual gratification does not seem to be the best solution. You don't have to be a hopeless romantic to understand that some things are more meaningful when feelings are involved. So, before you call up your "hook-up" buddy, ask yourself why you're really calling them in the first place.
Write to Courtney at
csferguson@bsu.edu
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