And now, a mid-semester game: Which of these things is the causeof the others?
A) My mother is going crazy.
B) My father is taking dancing lessons.
C) My little sister, Alaina, is getting married.
Although in my family any of the answers would not be afar-fetched possibility, the correct answer in this instance is C.More specifically, my little sister, Alaina, is getting married in15 days. The wedding rehearsal is in 13 days and the bacheloretteparty is in 14, which puts the full assembly of the wedding dressat around the happy couple's second wedding anniversary.
Wedding planners say that choosing the perfect wedding dress cantake many hours. This seemingly ridiculous "many hours" is dwarfedby the number of years necessary to reserve the Hubble spacetelescope to aid in the fastening of the 1.4 million tiny buttonscovering the entire dress, the several months it takes to raisearmies of silkworms to create the wide and varied assortment ofundergarments which are necessary, although no one knows thereason, and the weeks required to reserve a team of trainedprofessionals to ensure that you don't get lost somewhere in thedress.
Alaina, however, chose her dress quickly, probably because ofthe unbelievable number of wedding dresses that are, by definition,ugly. Of course, when you purchase a wedding dress, you must firstwait a number of weeks before the dress "comes in" (probably fromJupiter, where all clothing is made entirely of silk and beads toosmall to be seen by the human eye).
Then you must undergo a preliminary fitting. At this fitting,the seamstress makes sure that the dress will fit comfortably overthe bride's body as well as four slips, many poofy, unidentifiableunderthings, and an awkward-looking bodysuit from the set of "GraveRobbers from Outer Space." Perhaps I am off-base, or justold-fashioned, but I thought it was customary to hold off on therestraints and bondage devices until the honeymoon.
At any rate, after the bride completes the preliminary round,she must have a final fitting, as if making a wedding dress fitproperly were a cheerleading competition. The purpose of the finalfitting, of course, is to determine whether the bride hasspontaneously gained 70 pounds in the weeks between fittings.Sometimes there are several final fittings, just in case the bridehas withdrawals from being prodded and readjusted and beingweighted down by a train the length of an Olympic-sized swimmingpool.
Alaina has somehow survived all of this, and her dress is safelyhanging in my old room, perfect, flawless, sparkly. After carefulconsideration, I have decided that the wedding industry has madethe wedding dress experience represent much more than it is.Getting a wedding dress is a lesson in patience, in persistence, inmaking sacrifices, in flexibility, in dedication, incommitment.
After the wedding is over, she may be more prepared to care forand live with my future brother-in-law now that she's had theselessons in love and care.
That is, if she ever gets the dress off.
Write to Aleshia at
aahaselden@bsu.edu
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