After years and years of intensive study, I think I have finally discovered the cause of depression and poverty in the United States. That cause is: headless mannequins. Bear with me.
Recently I was attempting to shop for clothes, which is a cause of depression and poverty in itself, when I came upon a store called Hollister. In front there were four mannequins, all appearing normal, and, in a very generous sense of the word, dressed in what I gathered to be clothing. None had heads.
Color me progressive, but if we want our nation's youth to appear as though they have brains, it would only make sense for our mannequins to as well.
In elementary school my best friend Emily Rector and I frequently watched a film called "A Mom for Christmas" in which Olivia Newton-John plays the role of Amy, a mannequin from Australia with a purple neon glow who turns Rydel High into a roller disco.
Of course, I am joking. That is the plot of "Grease." Amy is actually a mannequin who is brought to life by young Jessica's Christmas wish to have "a mom for the holidays." During a scene where they sneak into the department store to get a ride from Wilkins, the mannequin chauffeur, there is a shot of the storage area where some early '90s-style wire mannequins are ready to go on display.
When Jessica asks Amy about them, Amy makes a wistful, worried face and briefly discusses how her kind is being replaced by the modern mannequins which, as I understand, do not have the capacity to come to life. They share a concerned gaze and continue on their way.
That concerned gaze would now be replaced with a terrified scream followed by a relieved sigh. "At least," they would think, "if these hideous monstrosities are the wave of the future, they won't come to life and try to be someone's mom for the holidays."
Why this change from created-in-our-image to wire to headless? Is the fashion industry trying to tell us something? "Your body is all that matters!" they proclaim to our nation's youth, "It's not cool to have a head or anything it encases!"
Since I am in no way oblivious to other points of view, I conducted a small research poll consisting of Matt Pelsor, a senior telecommunications major, who said, "I think it's an artsy thing. Sort of like 'Imagine Your Head Here.'"
This, of course, would be much easier if mannequins were of adequate size to presumably contain major organs. I suppose lungs are rather trivial when it comes down to what really matters, which is apparently forking $57 over to the man for an unidentifiable garment made of nothing.
So let's walk through the scenario. You walk past Hollister and see a mannequin. You think, "If only my head were on that body." Depression ensues.
Then, epiphany! "Wait!" you remember, "My head doesn't even matter! I just have to buy those clothes!" You spend your entire car fund. Poverty ensues.
I know it may seem shocking, but it seems to be the way the world is "headed." It is up to each of us as an individual to rise above it all and appreciate the importance of personality, the gift of intelligence, and the necessity of lungs.
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