I have finally accepted the fact that I will probably never break the cycle of "Sweet and Sour." Who would want to? With my horrible ADD and my lack of commitment (on a side note -- I am no longer single, so I am dealing with the commitment issues), it's so much easier to choose a lot of WTF-Mates-moments than actually deciding what to write about every week. Just a little refresher: Sweet equals good, sour equals bad (although some of them are borderline tasteless and/or hilarious -- I apologizing for anyone becoming incontinent while reading this column during your Theater 100).
Sweet: Henry Kissinger, former secretary of state for Richard Nixon, announced that during the 1973 Arab-Israeli war Nixon was too 'loaded' to receive a phone call from the British Prime Minister. I can just imagine Nixon sitting behind his desk in the Oval Office finishing off a bottle of Boons Farm -- just like a freshman girl in LaFollette.
Sour: Now people will think Richard Nixon was an even more horrible person than they already did. Yeah, we knew he was a crook, crazy, paranoid and racist, but the puppets from the musical Avenue Q say that everyone is a little bit racist.
Sweet: I have finally ended my dry spell and found me a boy. Despite our differences in age (he's 24 and I'm 19) and the fact that I am commitment phobic I think this one could go somewhere.
Sour: My friend Myra tells me that in relationships, you're supposed to keep your hands and other things to yourself while the significant other is not around.
Sweet: Just skip the sweet because this one leaves an icky taste in your mouth -- kinda like eating applesauce that has been sitting out for a little too long. Seriously, check the expiration date on things in your fridge -- just because it smells good doesn't mean that you won't get food poisoning.
Sour: Spanky the Clown -- note the irony -- was arrested on kiddie porn charges; once again reinforcing the idea that clowns are creepy. The 23-year-old Ringling Bros. performer was arrested after a search of his computer yielded pictures of young children 'engaged in lewd acts.' In a horrible act of cruelty, the police denied Spanky white face paint and a red plastic nose for his mug shot.
Sweet: The Real World will begin casting the fifteenth season and I am in a mad dash to become 'hotter than Paris Hilton' in an effort to start random fights over who touched my peanut butter and "That's my hair product, bitch!" I swear that I am not self-centered, but honestly, do I look fat in my columnist photo?
Sour: Proving that life can only suck after being video taped for six months, Dan Renzi (the gay guy from the Miami season) was arrested for pulling (no pun intended) a 'Pee-Wee Herman' in a Kansas City porn theater. But, Renzi is not the only one to give into his urges in the past few months -- David Broom (from the New Orleans season) was arrested in Chicago for patronizing (and how would you do that?) a $10 hooker.
Sweet: Proving that celebrity marriages do not work, Snoop Dogg has filed for divorce from his wife of seven years. It's not like Snoop Dogg doesn't have women throwing themselves at him -- he has already hosted several porns (some of them filmed in his back yard according to his website -- not that I would know anything about that type of porn).
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