Behold, John attempts to write while battling The Headache ThatWon't Go Away:
This week I come to you from the nether regions of pain. Holymother of Tylenol. Light, smells, sounds -- every sense hurts --even my sixth one, which allows me to see dead people.
When two Excedrin, three Advil, and an entire bag of PepperidgeFarm cookies do not help, you know the headache means business.This one wants me dead.
As an experienced headache victim, I know the true depths ofheadache pain.
The headaches started when I was six years old, and were sointense and frequent that I had a brain wave scan, a procedureduring which doctors glued 50 or so electrodes to my head and thenstood back and laughed.
"Hey, everybody, look at Electrode-Boy!" the doctors said.
Twenty years ago, the brain wave scan was cutting-edge medicalmagic. These days, this procedure is akin to drilling holes insomeone's skull to let the evil spirits out.
So the doctors glued the electrodes to me and made me keep myeyes closed. I was told to think happy thoughts. I thought aboutice cream, clowns and making the doctors pay.
For an hour or so, the doctors scanned my head. They foundnothing -- no aneurysms, no tumors, no dwarves swinging pickaxesinto my cerebellum -- nary a thing.
"No dwarves?" the doctors asked, puzzled. "We were sure thatmotley bunch was behind John's headache pain. Let's check forogres."
(I'm pretty sure I fell asleep during this procedure.)
While the doctors found nothing, the brain wave scan allowed meto come up with a clever retort for when kids scoffed and told me Ishould get my head examined:
"I did already, stupid-head."
I still use this retort, with mixed results. While this stillworks on elementary school students, adults think I'm on crack.
So without life-threatening problems to blame, these headacheswere attributed to other conditions, including stress, pollution,and the fact that my head cannot contain my wisdom.
According to the National Headache Foundation, which has a Website that is impossible to navigate (headache or not), there areseveral types of headaches, varying in intensity, cause, frequencyand tendency to incapacitate people named John King.
Tension-type headaches are related to stress, which can bebrought about by working, procrastinating, and visiting family.Anxiety, anger and fatigue are also factors, so if you live inMuncie and go to Ball State, you're pretty-well screwed.
Migraines are evil. Approximately 28 million people suffer fromthese, or just use them as excuses to play hooky from work.Migraines are not to be trifled with; they will knock you out.
Sinus headaches are the result of inflammation of the sinuscavity, which causes pressure on the brain and eyes. Allergies,drastic weather changes and sniffing glue are causes.
Cluster headaches feel like a giant bird has grabbed you by thehead with his razor sharp talons and has decided to whisk you backto the nest for dinner. (Famed Hollywood director Frank Capra oncedescribed the pain as such, so don't roll your eyes at me,sucko.)
The Web site lists further information, but I can no longer lookat the screen.
I shall return next week, preferably pain-free, or with a powerdrill.
Write to John at kingseyeland@bsu.edu
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