One of the few things that I enjoy watching on television is the "Weekend Update" segment on Saturday Night Live, and one of my favorite bits from Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey's continuing run on the show is "Jimmy Explains What You Did." I think it's only been used twice, but basically, Jimmy starts, "OK, here's what you did." He then proceeds to sarcastically list off the stupid things that a group of people have done, and then finishes it up with, "That's what you did."
Here is my attempt at "Gregory Explains What You Did" with the least amount of lameness as possible.
OK, Ball State University students, here's what you did:
You blamed an entire police department for the actions of one officer. You joined the media outlets of this city in denigrating this young officer for lacking experience when Officer Robert Duplain apparently had more training than any officer of his class. You pointed a finger in the direction of the Administration Building and shouted, "They should do something about this!"
When three other students died from other causes, you accepted calls from your worried parents and told them how unsafe you're starting to feel at Ball State, even though none of these deaths occurred on campus. You criticized Ball State officials when it took them more than a day to compose a mass e-mail concerning these events, and you demanded something better.
Then you complained about the program that you asked for because it threatened your individuality. The people who stay home on Friday nights and don't drink: You used the slogan as a punchline on T-shirts and devalued a message that could save lives. And the people who do drink: You took a stand by drinking more and adding your "obvious" invasion of privacy to your never-ending list of things you hate about Ball State.
That's what you did.
I'm definitely no Jimmy Fallon, but the students of Ball State are no political activists. There is no constitutional amendment protecting minors' rights to drink alcohol. There is no law that protects students' rights to avoid being questioned if they are holding a loud party or seem publicly intoxicated. There is no reasonable person anywhere who believes that stupidity and sarcasm will reverse the damage of these events. There will be no Tiananmen Square re-enactment on McKinley Avenue. You are fighting for an empty cause and are losing.
So if you read about the 87 underaged drinkers who were cited at the Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity party Sunday morning and shook your head saying, "Stupid police," you need to understand something. You should not be feeling sorry for the young adults of Muncie and the future students of this university; you should be feeling sorry for yourself. It's not the actions of our administrators or the dedicated police and emergency officials of this city that has made Ball State an allegedly bad school to attend, it's you. This is the legacy that you and I have left behind. This was our mess.
Perhaps the ill-founded "Police Yourself" campaign that you hate was nothing more than an answer to your equally ill-founded demands for on-campus action. If you're really that upset about it, please leave before your infantile attitudes further taint the reputation of an otherwise wonderful university.
For "Weekend Update," I'm Gregory Twiford. Good night.
Write to Gregory at gttwiford@bsu.edu
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