Dear George Lucas,
I read a few weeks ago that you were finally getting your act together and releasing the "Star Wars" trilogy on DVD.
Now, I'm not the devotee that I used to be. Though, my parents are fond of telling of how, when I was a 3-year-old, I would insist on watching "Star Wars with Yoda" -- the hilarious sequence in which Luke first encounters Yoda -- before going to bed.
I thought I now had another opportunity to reconnect with my childhood.
And then I found out.
You, in all your infinite, godly, crack-induced wisdom, have decided to release only the "special editions" that came out in 1997. Those were the ones for which you got the utterly brilliant notion (probably from one of the Michael Jackson-esque little boys that share your bed) that the trilogy could use some new special effects and additional scenes.
(As you can see, Georgie, I've slipped into abuse mode. Screw rational persuasion. In-your-face, rude, highly-entertaining ranting is much better.)
You are the only person who thinks that the special editions are the "definitive versions." They're not. They're the "oh, this is kind of neat to see once and then forget about forever" versions. Now it'd be fine if you wanted to put out your pet, egomaniac editions and the ones that everyone else wants. But no! Supreme King George knows best! Those films that everyone loves so much aren't good anymore!
When I watch "Star Wars" I want to be reminded of the innocence and joy of my childhood in the late '80s. I don't want to remember the late '90s. Who wants to remember the era of Monica? Obviously you, President George; you clearly delight in sticking your admirers with things worse than cigars.
You're like a Catholic priest who hasn't been caught yet. You just keep abusing your fans, like when we all had to endure the merciless molestations of your previous two "efforts" - both two bowel movements sprayed upon us. You know why the original films were so great, George? Because after the first one, you didn't write or direct them!
Want to fix up your movies? Butcher the ones we hate. For "Phantom Menace," digitally remove that sniveling little prick Jar Jar Binks. In "Attack of the Clones" virtually every word of dialogue needs to be re-dubbed with something new. News flash George: You couldn't write your way out of a plastic bag -- even if it was filled with your favorite variety of pure, Colombian cocaine!
Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
-á
Warmest regards,
David Swindle
-á
Now imagine that -- a collection of flat-out lies and childish insults -- on issues that really matter. That's politics today. Recently we saw the quick death of the rumor that John Kerry had an affair. Years ago we heard of how the Clintons supposedly had Vince Foster murdered. The "Bush did coke in the early '70s" rumor is one from those devoid of integrity on the left. And never forget when a Republican attack ad compared Democrat and veteran Max Cleland (who lost three limbs in Vietnam) to Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.
The American people must keep their eyes peeled and not let this sort of garbage distract them from the real issues.
E-mail: swimminginbrokenglass@yahoo.com
Visit http://www.bsu.edu/web/dmswindle
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