HEY YOU!: Columnist's status might help greeks

Hi, I'm Gregory Twiford, Forum columnist for the Ball State Daily News.

The Interfraternity Council's Fraternity Advisory Committee recently released a list of suggestions to reverse the unfortunate trends that are occurring in our frat system. Six chapters have shut down since 1994, and the remaining ones are having extreme recruitment issues. The committee's report suggests several changes that should be made internally within the year to stop this from continuing.

One important reason to make these changes, the report brushes upon, is to improve the moribund image of the Ball State fraternities. It may not be financial problems or poor marketing; perhaps it's the image itself that has been hurting them the most.

The average brother has certainly fallen into a narrow stereotype. According to some, fraternity members are the worst of the worst. They fail to study for classes, drink alcohol throughout the entire day, and are nothing more than sex-crazed brutes. Though the IFC and people like myself certainly cannot agree with that, we do believe that the fraternal community could use some strengthening.

While social psychologists cite Milgram's Obedience to Authority, parents are decrying a lack of solid role models. Our national icons have definitely let us down lately. This is why I have decided to use my local celebrity status for the good of the Ball State fraternal community and have put together the following set of campaigns designed to minimize the behavior that advocates this label.

READING IS COOL

The plan is fairly simple. I will grab about eight or nine books, put them in a stack, and walk down frat row carrying them. When I pass students, they'll do a double take.

One confused student will ask, "Is that Gregory Twiford from the Daily News carrying those books?"

"Yes, it is!" A few seconds of deep thought, and the connection will be made.

"Whoa," they'll say, "I better go grab a book and start reading!" The libraries will overflow, grades will skyrocket, and all it took was a little social conformity.

BEER TASTES GROSS

There is nothing wrong with drinking beer. There is, however, something wrong with drinking so much beer that you've become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I can't make students stop drinking, I can at least make them think that it tastes awful.

Once again, this will involve me walking up and down frat row. I will make periodic stops, sip a beer and start groaning, "Oh my gosh! This is disgusting! Blech!"

Of course, some may think that it's just the brand of beer I'm drinking that tastes gross. To cancel this, I will set up a long table of different beers and will change brands frequently.

Students will witness it, another connection will be made, and Muncie Liquors will go out of business. (Sorry, Bubba.)

SEX IS NOT ENJOYABLE

I'm still working on this one.

My point is this: Some of the most dedicated students I have met have been members of fraternities. They also contribute to our community more than most students. We cannot allow this system to die.

All students must work together to change these dire stereotypes, and if it's going to take the leadership of a famous person like me to lead these young men into victory, I am here and ready to win this fight.

Thank you.


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