My fellow Ball State students from the male persuasion: I realize that you may be in the middle of a fake, yet highly intense interactive video game battle, shooting evil trogdors or helpless old nuns, but with all the sincerity left in my soul, I plea that you momentarily press pause and read this. You and I are at an institution of higher learning. But when I say higher learning, I speak not of the knowledge found amongst the pages of your chemistry book -- rather, the vast land of information to be acquired from the opposite sex. This is college -- a crucial stage in life where one is to leave his blue BMX with the striped banana seat in the shed and pick up the car keys to his mom's convertible, where one must lay his tired sand shovel in the sandbox and join the beautiful babes on the sand volleyball court; where boys must become men.-á
The reason I am excluding the females of Ball State University from the intended target of this letter is because the majority of them have the sense and plain logic to realize what many of the chaps on this campus do not. Recently temperatures have hit 75 degrees.-áThe birds sang their song of love while females wearing oh-so-short-shorts and even shorter tank tops ran rampant.-á Absolute beauty is the only description I can think of that would describe the day with any sort of justice. So without a second to be wasted, I suited up with my Power Ranger sweatband alongside classic Boston Celtics shorts and tube socks, as I roared my blood-curdling battle cry and began spiking the ball into my yelping female opponents.-á
However, as I mercilessly stomped my girly victims deep into the sand, I couldn't help but notice the absence of so many of my Mario-addicted friends who either lacked the foresight, or were too lackadaisical to turn off Vice City and leave their sock-scented rooms to join in on the outside festivities.True, this arrangement does indeed make the ratio of chicks to dudes better for a near-hopeless guy like myself trying to get his "mack" on. But, I wish to believe that I am not that selfish, and that giving you this piece of fatherly advice may someday, years from now, cause this world to become a better place filled with midgets skipping down the street and grizzly prison-mates joining hands and singing "Ode to Joy" in 300-part harmony and will, thus, allow me to feel some sense of a self-satisfaction for the completion of a good deed.-á
So without further delay, my advice: PUT DOWN THE CONTROLLER AND PICK UP THE LADY. There are far too many gorgeous women walking to and from class by themselves. I call on you, my fellow Ball State brothers, to embrace your destiny and spit your game. Yes, the possibility of being shot down and having a small piece of your pride diminished does exist. But, somewhere out there, your Juliet awaits.-áWhat a travesty it would be if, in your old age, you were to look back on your college experience and realize that the final week of the semester was wasted squeezing your controller when it could have been spent squeezing the girl of your dreams.
Write Travis at
tjabels@bsu.edu.
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