I was in the mind of the vagina this weekend.
I understand, now, why they are angry, why moans are so good (and what they sound like), what they would wear (yes, some would wear combat boots compared to velvet), and what they would say.
I saw three women perform "The Vagina Monologues."
These women had a voice -- from down there -- and I kept thinking, what if men sat and began to talk? What would we have then?
No, not a male chauvinist nation -- I'm discussing in means of performance, theater and social commentary.
Maybe, like the author of "The Vagina Monologues," some man has already gone around the country and asked fellow men what their penises would say in two words and what it would wear, and compiled stories about "turning your head and coughing."
Someone out there has probably started writing his own set of monologues based on those men interviewed.
"The Penis Monologues."
I joked with a couple people and said the show might be called "The Penis Epilogues," because no one would sit around long enough to hear true stories about men and their genitalia -- especially white men. Apparently, we already have too much to say, and since we don't suffer childbirth, periods, and the OB-GYN, we don't have enough material.
Women always say to their husbands during childbirth, "You did this to me!"
The performance given by the three women Friday night was excellent, funny, smart and, at times, poignant. They captured the essence because the mostly female audience laughed hysterically (I'm using that as evidence).
I was the minority. I admit, I didn't get some of the jokes, but I knew I was accepted when the African-American actress applauded and said to the men entering, "We love penis support."
But even if there was a similar show focused on the male anatomy, I have a feeling there would be mostly only "vagina support."
Men watch football. Men watch action flicks. Men watch porn. It would be difficult to get the men's attention for an hour and a half, especially since Comedy Central's "The Man Show" debuted. I'm not sure what political and metaphorical statements made by male actors would have on society, because we're already viewed as jackasses.
Perhaps there is a man running around the country like Forrest Gump asking men's genitalia what they would say, wear and do. Those men are probably eyeing the writer with homophobia saying, "Bob doesn't like to talk."
But, I'm sure "Bob" has a lot to say, just like the vaginas interviewed for "The Vagina Monologues."
Everybody has a story -- especially about some topic that is an extreme taboo (and I'm not talking about that game women like to play when they see who can scream the name of men's genitalia the loudest).
If there is a man roaming about the country collecting stories and giving men a say, I pray it won't be titled "The Erectile Dysfunction Monologues."
OK, not so much "dysfunctional," but I'm sure interviews with older men may have some stories worth telling.
Write to Evan at emann@mr-potatohead.com
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