My Bucket Of Parts: Diet soda: Not first choice but not bad alternate beverage

I have so many faults it isn't funny, but today, I'm going to make them funny.

In a surge of thirsty desperation - I mean, literal thirsty desperation, I went to the refrigerator at work and realized all we had chilling were Diet Pepsi, Diet Coke and a Sprite with brown crusties all over the rim of the can. My moment of thirsty desperation hit me and I convulsed as I reached forward for the Diet Coke (no twist of lemon, thank you - that's gross) and I popped the top and sat down.

The can's mouth positioned itself parallel to my quivering thirsty lips and we kissed in pure saccharin delight.

My first flaw: I actually enjoy Diet Coke. I'm not saying I will go to the grocery, or dining services, and fill my cup to the brim with the fizzing brown substance (my heart belongs to Mr. Pibb and Dr. Pepper), but if all that's left is Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke in a fridge that is a kingdom for soda pop, then I will reach for that silver can without any doubt. With true determination I will drink that Diet Coke and although it has an awful aftertaste that jerks tears, I will force a smile.


My Aunt Kay always said that she'd rather eat her calories, especially when she filled a glass with Diet Dr. Pepper. Granted, I'm the type that can eat, drink and intravenously take my calories in and my body doesn't seem to care since my metabolism is like Speedracer on acid.

I know, I know - drinking and actually enjoying a diet beverage is sounding a bit nancy. Do not fear, my nails aren't finely manicured, I shave but once a week, I love belches (especially when a girl can push a good one out) and toilet humor is the only way to go.

And believe me, a no-calorie drink isn't so bad. Unlike those that have gained numerous pounds because they were herded toward the houses with red or green lights to consume massive amounts of alcoholic malt products, I won't be gaining fat in places I didn't realize I had. I'm not in the mood to look like a pregnant man - so, perhaps a no-calorie soda isn't so bad after all.

The only downfall about diet drinks is that awful after taste, which is brought to you by the letters G, R, O and S, which spells saccharine. You all know what I'm talking about, those dainty pink packets that sit on every table in every restaurant all around the country waiting to cause cancer in lab rats - yeah, that saccharine.

Pour that in your iced tea, dabble it in your coffee, down a packet like pixie sticks, eat sugarless candy or drink those diet drinks and you'll definitely know what I'm talking about.

Its like adding a little packet of dessert in your drink: once I eat or drink something with saccharine, I become thirsty, which is weird, especially after drinking a Diet Coke, which is supposed to quench thirst, right?

Saccharine was probably originally formulated to extinguish fires, dissolve paint, or clean up vomit - and we put it in our coffee. Something's wrong with this picture.

Those poor rats.

But nonetheless, I will drink the diet drinks when there is nothing else to choose from and I will enjoy it - and I think there's nothing wrong with it.

Which brings me to my next flaw - wait, I don't know if I have any others. I guess enjoying Diet Coke is the only one.

Go me.

Write to Evan at


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